(Deliberately vague for anonymity) My spouse is Japanese, and sometimes has quite a temper. When they get worked up at our (7yo) child, they sometimes shout things like bakayaro! angrily. This always happens in private – never in public. It's not a daily occurrence, but happens several times a month. Our child does sometimes provoke my spouse – they are not entirely innocent, but the reaction feels over-the-top.
Coming from a foreign (and quite relaxed) family environment, I think I would consider this abusive in my own language (idiot!). I speak Japanese reasonably well, but I'm not clear on the perceived severity of this kind of language as it applies to young children in Japan. It is not said in a joking or affectionate way – it's quite aggressive.
Would this be considered abusive behavior if it were happening in an average Japanese family?
Edit: to clarify, there is absolutely no problem bringing this up for discussion at home. I'm asking for opinions on the Japanese language aspect. Eg. if someone told my kid to "shut up", I would laugh it off. If they said "shut the fuck up", it would be a different matter. I'm not qualified to make that distinction in Japanese, which is why I ask.
by No_Divide_5162
25 comments
I’m confused.
Is the child from a previous marriage?
I just ask because it’s a bit weird to say “our child provokes my spouse” like wouldn’t it be “our child provokes their dad” or something? It just seems like there’s a divide where the two don’t have a father/child relationship.
Either way you are 1/2 the parent. If you don’t like something, say something.
>Would this be considered abusive behavior if it were happening in an average Japanese family?
Who cares it’s your family not everyone else’s. If you don’t like something, say something.
Your spouse probably had that yelled at them when growing up and finds it normal. If it’s not used in a playful manner it’s not playful
It sucks, but it’s fairly normal/common. You’re probably seeing it more now that your kid has started primary school and is getting homework? Also the genkotsu will probably start soon.
Teachers used to do it too until fairly recently. I worked with a lady who would hit kids on the head with the corner of a textbook if they didn’t do their homework, but the kids complained to their parents and she was reprimanded.
Though at the same school I saw a basketball coach punching a kid, but since the kid was a delinquent the parents/school were cool with it.
I mean if you have ever been to Osaka, I heard mothers telling their kids to shut the fuck up in the Japanese equivalent all the time but for that part of Japan that’s just the normal way of speaking.
It’s quite a bad thing to say and my wife—also Japanese—wouldn’t say that to our kid, no way. One problem is, your kid might go into school and start shouting it at other kids and cause trouble. Certainly when I was teaching at an elementary school years ago, that was a no-go word and a kid would be disciplined for it. “Bakayaro” can be translated to shithead or fucking idiot so … yeah. Pretty strong! If you don’t like it, I suggest you talk to your spouse and suggest that they shouldn’t say that around your child because the child might copy it in school and it will be bad for everyone including you as parents.
It’s not gentle, but I wouldn’t say it’s outright abusive. Then again, I come from a family where my mom would call us little shits both jokingly and non jokingly.
Honestly, it doesn’t matter if we find it abusive or not. It’s your child, and it bothers you to hear it, so you should definitely tell your spouse about it. It might just take some rewording – like ‘that thing you did was stupid’, or ‘what were you thinking?’.
Your spouse is saying or yelling this at your kid only in private, not in public, so I’d bet they know it’s not appropriate. Definitely speak up. It doesn’t really matter how “normal” it is with others, as it bothers you and your kid.
Depends on your location too. Aho/baka don’t have the same weight in Osaka and in Tokyo for example.
The word itself isn’t really important, it’s the intent.
Shouting at a child may be cathartic, but it’s lazy ass parenting and emotionally immature. If the child is doing something wrong, explain it to them. If they’re intentionally misbehaving, demonstrate consequences such as loss of privileges. Angrily shouting at them does nothing except teach them that an outburst of rage is a valid solution to a situation, and 99% of the time it’s not.
Kids grow up mirroring their parents, for good or bad.
This is one of those things where strangers opinions on the internet should not be required. It’s your child, your spouse, if you feel it’s wrong, tell them to stop.
Nah….. some people are well into their 40s and beyond, still haunted by their parent’s preferred abuse word
My spouse will literally still cry at the age of 30 at memories of being called a stupid jackass regularly
It sounds harsh to me. Since English has so many ways to be colorful when cussing at first something like this would have come across as “dummy” but this ain’t “dummy.”
As far as Japanese goes, bakayaro is quite severe… At the end of the day it’s your kid, and parenting is different in every family but personally I would bring it up with my wife if it were me.
Shouting obscenities to correct misbehaviour isn’t my cup of tea. I rather teach the child that what they are doing is wrong and this is why.
My wife is Japanese and I have never heard her say anything offensive to our child or even our nieces and nephews. She and I have strong belief that abusive language is destructive to a child’s trust and confidence.
I m a teacher and I deal with troubled students that mimic the language they hear from home.
“Where did you learn to say this?”
“My mother talks to me like that all the time. I hope she dies soon”.
Really sad.
Asian parents yell at their kids all the time. If you want an example, watch Doraemon (Saturdays at 5pm iirc) and you’ll see Nobita gets yelled at by his mom quite often. And of course yelling at your kid in public is considered bad manners, so of course they don’t do it in public.
If you don’t like your spouse using the word bakayaro, just ask them not to use it. You can say that you don’t want your child to think they are stupid because they keep getting called stupid.
Personally, I think any kind of uncontrolled yelling at a young child to be a bad parenting. Not sure I’d go as far as calling it abusive, I guess it depends but it’s definitely not a healthy way to communicate.
My wife used to yell a lot at our daughter, the very occasional outburst is understandable but she would fly off every time something happened. I’m not sure if it’s super common here but I’ve seen it with other parents also. After one yelling episode when our daughter who was 3 at the time spilled a cup of water, I just separated them, calmed the daughter down and then told my wife we needed to talk. I told her exactly how I felt about it and after maybe an hour she agreed to try and work on it. To her credit she’s done a very good job and rarely yells anymore. Prior to this our daughter even at only 3 wouldn’t let her mom hold her or put her to sleep, would always run to me anytime she was hurt or wanted to snuggle. Now it’s totally turned around, they’re like best friends and talk about everything, mom’s her world now.
If it’s something that’s bothering you, you need to talk to your spouse and be honest.
Reading this thread is making me realise that my dad calling me a moron all through my childhood was perhaps not okay… damn
I mean yeah, my husband did sit me down once and tell me that it’s clear I only think I’m stupid because my family (except my mum) always said I was stupid. I’m not as smart at my mum, dad or brother so that’s true tbh.
But they instilled in me that clever = good and stupid = useless, worthless. So I valued intelligence over everything else, even kindness, empathy, honesty and other important traits. Once my husband said that and made me fully realise the beliefs I was being bound by, it was honestly so liberating. I’m not as smart as them but I still have worth😭
The things you say to your kids really do shape how they think and view themselves. If you can, put a stop to the use of this word for the sake of your kid 🙁
It is considered very offensive.
My wife is upset whenever we simply use the word baka to randomly joke, as it is offensive and “easy”, even privately. I can’t imagine her or anyone in our family saying bakayaro to our children, it is considered extremely “low” and somewhat uneducated.
I see some comments here saying it’s fine, but I bet those people are the same thinking not using keigo with strangers is also fine. Yes you can, but this is not normal. It shows that those people have a poor understanding of japanese communication in general. So beware.
Not really, but it will shape your kid to be aggressive
Source : i’m the product
That is abuse.
However, many parents in Japan say and do such things. This kind of abusive behavior is especially common among fathers. I believe this is due to the fact that Japan used to be a strongly patriarchal society, where it was common for fathers to abuse other family members, and this still leaves a mark on the society.
A terrible way to parent
Would you allow your husband to call your child a “f***ing re***d”? Because that’s basically what he’s doing.
I think regularly shouting at children and people in general shows low intelligence. I feel your wife is unable to communicate so they just shout and say bad things. Show her how you talk to your kids when they do bad stuff.
It’s not nice but it’s pretty normal in Japan, unfortunately.