The following question is meant for the WOMEN of the group but I think it can still be gender inclusive. And, this is something I’ve been wanting to ask but I couldn’t ask the other groups since some may misinterpret it as bashing, criticizing or leaning in that direction. Far from it, so please avoid taking it the wrong way.
Okay, here it goes: I noticed in my more than eight years of living in Japan and lurking in these groups and forums that when people complain of loneliness, lacking friends, and having trouble dating, I rarely see somebody reference anything that shows that they have a Japanese female friend that’s a bestie or someone they can confide too. I almost never read it in the comments.
For example, if someone’s having trouble dating out here and was encountering some cultural differences, they would reach out to their Japanese girlfriend and inquire if certain behaviors or cultural patterns are common or something like that. I mean of course it’s fine to reach out to other foreign women in order to inquire about the same thing that is happening to them however, my question is, “Do you have trouble making close friendships with Japanese girls?” If you have children, do you have trouble making friends with other Japanese moms? If so, what kind of issues have you faced? Have you managed to form a “deep bond” where you can confide about intimate things that bother you without coming across as criticizing the country or the culture? Can you only meet up with them one-on-one or do they welcome you in their little circles? I know that there are some people who grew up in Japan so I’d love to hear from them even more. I feel like people might not be admitting that because it’s going to come across awkward.
In my case, I do have some friends with whom I can talk about dating and say intimate stuff but then I still hold back because we’re from the same vicinity and I worry about any information spreading.
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When I was single, I had no trouble making friends who were women. One of my best friends is someone I’ve met here. She’s pretty much family. After I became a mom I kinda hard a hard time making ママ友 but it got better when I took my kid to the same places and saw the same mom and kids there. Then after some conversation, we exchanged Line and talked. One friend is actually someone I struck a conversation with at the maternity ward after we both gave birth.
I think though, I’m very outgoing and friendly so I haven’t really had trouble making friends. But I do put a lot of effort into making and maintaining the friendships.
Most of the women my age have kids. I don’t. So, my pool of potential friends is small.
Also, a lot of the Japanese women I did hang out with in my first two years here have moved overseas, which is interesting.
I’m usually just a lurker, but one of my best friends of 5 years is a Japanese female. We met online because we were both in the same fandom and posted fanart. We liked each others’ work, and one day, rather spontaneously, she asked me by twitter message (when I was traveling to Japan) if we could meet up and hang out. We’ve both hung out in each other’s circles and I’ve went out with her and her kids for fun. She knows all of my deepest secrets and I know about her traumas as well. I’ve been busy with work recently but we message a few times every week and are meeting up to hang out after the storm passes.
I don’t find it anymore difficult to connect with other JP women here than I do with other non-JP women in, for example, the US. We all have different interests as people so you’re bound to be surrounded by people that maybe you just don’t click with. Here in Japan, the emotional distance may be due to language barrier that some may have not broken just quite yet. And if you’re fluent, maybe you haven’t found the right female friends just yet.
I think people are more inclined to share stories of hardship on here in hopes of finding solace from individuals with mutual feelings. But that’s really anywhere on the internet. It can be a lonely place.
I don’t have any issues making friends with Japanese girls . I think the biggest complaint I’ve heard from fellow foreigners is that Japanese women just aren’t all that interested in them and I find those same women that complain tend to be pickme like in their behavior, have no real interests or hobbies and don’t actively seek out relationships with other females in general, they usually latch on to male Japanese “friends “ until there’s a problem then they move on to the next ( sorry this is so specific but I’ve been burned a few times by girls like this 😂). I usually approach girls I want to be friends with especially at the gym it’s easy just to give out some complements and start up a conversation. Also they usually have a foreigner boyfriend or husband so that kinda helps… and kinda weird because it’s not like I know what a foreigner friendly Japanese women looks like I just happen to target them by chance lol
Another thing I was told by a friend who has a Japanese bestie is that they don’t really have deep conversation about stuff when they hang out she told me that they don’t really talk about the heavy topics I’m not sure if it’s a cultural difference? But I’ve only had heavy conversations with a Japanese friend who suffers from manic depression and it was more like I was consulting with her and she thanked me for my time which is totally different from my depressed American friends who would just use me to rant about everything and stop talking to me when they feel better.
I was childless for 3 years and being a mom for almost two years now in Japan.
When I was childless, making friends was easy, if you have same hobby. I have sort of otaku-ish hobby and made friends in conventions, I made friends in baito place… But all friendships ceased once I have a baby. Like we don’t have common ground anymore (I am busy with kid, despite still have interest in my hobby) to talk.
Now, as a mom, I don’t have any Japanese mamatomo. I only have 2 foreigners mamatomo and 1 foreigner childless friend. Being SAHM is hard, and usually baby controlled your daily schedules (not napping, getting sick, yadda yadda) and you can’t even reply a chat on time. But I don’t mind. Smaller circle that understand me better is easier to manage, and I usually am content hanging out alone/with husband, and only meet up with friends once a week.
From my conversation with most Japanese, they rarely talk about personal stuff even after goimg out several times and still planning to meet in the future. The kind of answer to personal life question is always short and on the surface. We mostly only talk about work, what we are recently into, or some interests. Eventually running out things to talk about. They seem to like throwing personal deep questions though. It’s a different friendship culture from what I’m used to, people can get personal soon and everyone like to talk about ourselves instead of just feeling like being interviewed.
I have realized that I eventually opened up to people, who shared similar experiences. I would say, it’s easier to open up to non locals, because most of their experiences and hardships are similar to yours. We come here, in a new country, all alone, and imagine there are people in the exact same situation. Isn’t it easier with them?
But, I’d also say that it might not be difficult to open up to Japanese since maybe they relocated to your city which is new for them, or might be having a non Japanese person in their life and know how to be a friend despite language/cultural barriers!
Now, let me share about this, there’s a community of people from my country who used to organize events in non-covid era. I went there when I was new, the ones who talked to me there were people who were new to the place, like me, and not the ones who had been living here since a long time. Why? Because they had a group, they now have different experiences, maybe they forgot what it was like to be new. That’s totally understandable! That’s all, the key lied in similar experiences 🙂
I’m the kind of woman who hates other women so I wouldn’t have a female friend no matter where I live.
I’ve made a couple close female friends that can be confidants. I think it depends on the person.
One was through a hobby, another a game, and another via work.
When I came to Japan, my friends were all of my coworkers, which were mainly foreigners, since I first worked at a US military facility then Eikaiwa. At the Eikaiwa I had Japanese staff friends but they kept moving around so it was difficult to maintain strong friendships. I’m not the most sociable person either.
I think the number one factor is your own personality first, then language compatibility. In addition, there are cultural differences. For example, in Japan there is heavy emphasis on who is senior, and who is junior in many organizational relationships. From what I see, it’s much easier for people who are of the same age or company status to be friends, rather than someone who is newer, being friends with a senior person. You would have to cultivate that relationship quite a lot to get to the point where are you are besties
nope, no close female friends – actually no close friends in general, especially after graduating from Japanese uni here. I’m in my 30s and am an extreme introvert, and honestly, idgaf anymore. after spending weekdays dealing with Japanese and international bullshit galore at work, I’m 110% okay with having weekends by myself. I spend my free time pursuing solo hobbies like gaming, gardening, writing, and cooking.
if I have work shit I want to talk about, I have a fellow international work bestie (who I almost never see on the weekends). for career-related questions and ranting, I have a (male) Japanese friend who acts as a sounding board for me. for all my personal shit, I have a longtime BFF back home in the states.
I have an extremely outgoing Japanese friend who worries about my not having friends, and it’s always hard trying to explain to them that I prefer it this way. can’t be like them and meet up with several people per day on the weekends. I am a grump and need my alone time, goddammit!
My experience is that the only Japanese females I know are from work and only want to speak in English OR don’t want to get too close because we work together. Also there’s always a huge age gap. Plus no one really has the same hobbies and interests as me. (I like gyaru and I work in a company so… those don’t really match up)
Japanese girls in general don’t rly have deep convos or say their secrets or whatnot like foreign female friends do. They only talk about shallow, daily topics. And not about themselves even if you ask them.
Edit: to clarify I have male Japanese friends but all my female friends are foreign
I have female Japanese friends but I wouldn’t say any of them are best friends. I think at my age (late 20’s) everyone is busy with careers and life that it’s hard to become “best friends” here or anywhere else. My best friends are people I met in college and high school.
But I don’t really have time to dedicate to making a “best friend” relationship with anyone. And honestly I’m too tired from working and everything else to want to try.
My former manager became my best friend. We can talk about anything (she told me when she got chlamydia after going to a sex club, i told her about all the guys i slept with during my previous sexless marriage, etc). She rented a car to help me move when i ended said marriage, i translate Line messages for her when she doesn’t understand stuff written by the foreign guys she chat with…
Now i am (happily, thank god XD) remarried and have a toddler, and she’s still my best friend, she’s like a sister. I can bitch to my heart’s content about japan, she doesn’t care – actually very often she agrees.
As far as ママ友 are concerned, there’s one woman i “clicked” with, she even invited me to her house for playdates while the jidoukan was closed during the state of emergency. Quite funnily, she’s the one who did all the legwork (asking for my Line, asking me to come to her house, etc). I won’t have “risky” conversations with her, but i feel i can talk relatively freely with her.
Otherwise, most of the time i find other jp moms boring, but that’s just because i have particular interests.
I’m a guy, but one of my closest friends in my life is a Japanese woman that’s a few years younger than me that started as a co-worker. We started working together when we were both around mid-20’s, and we’ve stayed at the same workplace for the last 6 years.
I can confide in her about nearly anything, she’s been there for me when I’ve had a rough time with relationships and life here, and I was at the front and center table on her side of the room at her wedding ceremony. We both vent to one another earnestly about our lives, stresses and struggles. I think the biggest thing with friends here is, if you didn’t grow up with or fall in to an excuse to be a mandatory part of their life for at least a year or two then forming a close connection is going to be exceedingly difficult with anyone regardless of gender. In my friend’s case, if we hadn’t worked together, it would literally have been impossible to meet her in any other context. We both work a lot, but because of her role she frequently stays at work until 8, and usually works Saturdays. If I was a “normal” person in her life, I’d have to schedule a special day months in advance just to hang out, just like everyone here complains (rightfully) about having to do with friends as adults.