Hi everyone. This is a very long post. I am a foreign woman (32F) married to a Japanese man (44M). We met in 2019 and got married over covid.
When I met him he was recently divorced, he has a kid who he sees a few times a month. He was working with his father’s company and doing a few things on the side. We lived a comfortable lifestyle. I was teaching, but stopped during covid and he has supported us financially ever since. I want to say I am very grateful for the life he has enabled me to have.
However it has come out that he hasn’t made any money over these last 3 years. He made a lot of new business plans relating to his work background but his dad did not support any of them, so we don’t have any business of our own. He still gets a salary from his father but doesn’t do any notable work for him. He wanted to make a business for himself as his dad will retire one day but it didn’t happen which is unfortunate.
Then for the last 2 years he’s been trading on the stock market. He has lost millions and millions of yen and is in now debt. When I talk about me working he dismisses me and calls me selfish for talking about my own plans rather than thinking about his.
He says it’s my fault that he couldn’t work properly over the last 3 years because I’m always here and disturb him, even though I try to be as quiet and unobtrusive as possible. He also says I talk about love and feelings too much, and that filled his head and prevented him from thinking about work/business. He says I stole 3 years of his time.
He doesn’t really allow me to work or go out alone so I spent my days at home. I accepted this at first because it was during covid but now I’m realising this is the norm for him for some reason. I like spending time at home but I feel constrained sometimes. If we go out, he’ll blame me for when he loses money trading as he can’t concentrate because I made him go out. We only go out maybe once a week but he still complains. I feel like I’m missing opportunities to enjoy life sometimes.
But anyway. It’s come to a head now as he is now talking about selling his car to get some money. I am at a loss. We live in a ¥300,000 a month rental apartment. I was perhaps foolish for leaving the financial responsibilities to him but I didn’t expect him to be so lackadaisical and mismanage things so badly.
He says that if he were alone, everything would be so easy and he wouldn’t have money worries. Yet he has no answers when I ask him what he would do differently if I were not here, and when I suggest ways for me to make myself scarce so he can work he calls me selfish and “just thinking of my own plans” again.
But yesterday, I once more suggested that I get a job. He said that if I go out and work it’ll just increase his problems as he’ll have to listen to me talk about my new job/new coworkers. The disdain shocked me, but I said that I won’t talk about it too much to him. But he just circled back and said we are talking about selling the car right now so you getting a job is doudemoii. I said well we have to think about how to earn money once we’ve sold the car… I can’t decide for you what work you will do so I’m thinking about what I can do. Surprise surprise, he called me selfish again. (I don’t understand why me working is bad, perhaps embarrassment that he can’t support us anymore…? And I also think he is worried that I’ll meet another man if I go out too much.)
Anyway. I feel absolutely trapped. I don’t understand how this has happened. He used to be very sweet and kind, I understand he is stressed about life and lashing out at me. He’s kind until I say something “selfish”, so I’ve learned to keep most of my opinions to myself. I Do feel grateful that he has provided for me for 3 years. But the bottom line/**TLDR** is I’m married to a financially irresponsible man who now treats me with contempt and blames me for every single problem we have.
My most obvious course of action would be to ignore him and just get a job. I think he would be mean to me and ignore me for days/weeks which would be almost unbearable, but I don’t see any other way to move forward. I don’t know if I have the strength to go through with it though. I can’t even talk to him about it because he’ll just say I’m selfish.
Best case scenario, I’ll start work and he will have time alone without me to magically make money like he says. Worst case is things won’t get better and he will still blame me, but at least I’ll have the beginnings of an out from the situation and possibly the marriage.
I’m sorry for the really long and rambling post, I know a lot of context is missing. I am quite isolated and I don’t have anyone to talk to about this so I wanted some outside perspective. Thank you for reading this far and I welcome everyone’s opinion.
46 comments
sounds really emotionally abuse, i’m so sorry you’re going through all that
get a job, keep your finances separate, save up, and leave
I know #notalljapanesemen, but ffs, why are all Japanese husband stories on here about absolute trash men?
Sounds like your husband is a loser who can only survive with daddy’s money. There are enough red flags to know that he isn’t a great partner, now you need to decide if you want to stay with him or not. I’d leave.
I know this is only part of the whole story but, are you happy in this marriage? Aside from the irresponsibility he sounds moody and controlling. He won’t even let you go out on your own? Are you really okay with that?
Maybe things were great in the beginning, but you’re not married to the past. Look at things as they are now, objectively. If you don’t have kids together you are absolutely not trapped. And your married partner is supposed to be the person who is there for you in your darkest hour, and vice versa. Perhaps you are seeing his true colors now.
You say he used to be so sweet and kind but….when was that? The first date?
You’ve only known each other a few years and he’s already proven himself a big butthurt baby who’s blaming you for all his failings. Honestly, I would get out before he drags you into financial ruin.
He says he would be better with you gone?
Girl, GO!
Money is not the problem here. Him being an eight year old trapped in an adult body is the problem. I’d drop a partner like that immediately, but obviously I’m not you.
He sounds like a bum you should use this as your chance to get some stability by getting a job and leaving his ass. His ex wife probably left him for this exact reason cause he is emotionally abusive.
Sounds like gambling addiction.
As it’s been more than 3 years since you were married, I would recommend putting in your application for permanent residence if you do not already have it, and if you qualify for it (currently hold a 3y/5y visa, all taxes and obligations paid up on time, and otherwise in good standing).
You can then start to plan your next step while that gets processed, and you can decide what’s next after you get it.
Read what you wrote here but pretend it’s some other woman asking you for advice. What would you tell her? I hope you’d tell her to leave immediately. I can’t even count all the red flahs. Good luck to you x
Omg, please get a job, save some money and leave. Surely you have more than enough grounds for divorce. He isn’t gonna change
This man sounds like such a loser, i can’t believe he’s double my age. All those decades and he still hasn’t matured into a real man.
It sounds like he’s just lashing out at you because of his own failings.
If I were in your situation, I’d get a job like yesterday and start saving up your own money because you never know when you might need it to get the heck out of there.
Leave it’s not too late you’re only 32.
You’ll be surprised at how many good men there are out there. Don’t lose your time
He has failed as a man. He knows it, you know it.
If you were to go out and get a job, it would show everyone how much of a failure he is. He doesn’t want to lose face.
He has been living in the shadow of a successful father but he can’t make it on his own. So he’s taking it out on you.
This would be a great plot for a J-drama or K-drama.
Run
🚩🚩🚩
> When I met him he was recently divorced, he has a kid who he sees a few times a month.
Gee I wonder why.
> calls me selfish for talking about my own plans rather than thinking about his.
“How can you be so selfish to not think only of me, as a good ~~slave~~ wife should?”
Anyway, seems like you picked a real winner. IMO cut your losses while he you can and he has a penny left to his name,
This is horrific, but surely there were red flags before you got married??
My most obvious course of action would be to ~~ignore him and just get a job~~ gtfo. FTFY
Divorce. Lawyer.
Your problem is not that he is financially irresponsible (that could be worked around), your problem is that he is abusive and manipulating. You probably realised that while writing that post.
You are still young, you can rebuild your life easily. Find a job, find a lawyer and GTFO of this relationship.
When I got a new job, my Japanese spouse bought a bottle of champagne to celebrate. When I get down about things, they are always the one to pick me up. They are always glad for me when I have a good time with friends, because they know that having independence is important for any relationship.
I’m not trying to brag, just paint a picture of a happy foreigner/Japanese marriage. We’ve been together 20 years this November.
You need to go, now.
Seems like his pride is shattered over loosing all this money/ failed business ideas and he‘s too proud to let you help with finances.
Do you have any common friends that could mediate between you?
They might somehow get the message through to him, that work is not just about money.
Try to pitch it as something you would like to do for fun, happy wife= happy life.
Then, save some money to get out in case things get even worse.
I would advise to nooot bring kids into this situation.
He also seems very controlling, maybe insecure about losing you, too.
Does he show you off like a status symbol?
It might be difficult to get through the core of the problem, since he‘s too busy to be talking.
🙁
I feel for you!
Your husband is a gaslighting manchild. He clearly needs someone to control and to blame for his inadequacy. And that person is you. Consider yourself fortunate that you do not have children.
Get your PR and get out of there.
He’s ashamed that he’s such a loser, and he’s projecting that on you. He’s blaming you for his woes (of any type) to make himself feel better. Get him some help or get gone.
You’re 32 and he’s 44???
First, and largest red flag.
Girl, run. Why are you even with this man? He treats you poorly. I get that some of us were not raised in the healthiest of homes, but a man 12 yrs your senior who is divorced and has a kid? And he’s doing the whole “if it weren’t for you” thing? I bet he said the same to his kid and ex wife.
Make sure he’s not taking out debt in your name. Get out. Don’t go for some old ass man just because you are lonely and he’s a little nice superficially.
Girl, you don’t get it : you’re married. His debts are also YOUR debts. Your husband is a loser and is ashamed that you would be the one providing money when he loses tons of it.
Get a divorce as soon as you can.
seems like he’s gaslighting you..
Job , Save up , exit.
Not a woman so dk but sounds like a bright red flag when your partner stops you from working….
Would it be unbearable upcoming days? Yep but you don’t have a kid so still easy to part ways
I usually hate how everyone immediately tells everyone to leave everyone anytime things are tough or anyone has a character flaw.. but…
What are you doing? Unless there is a lot you’ve left out you need to get out of that situation now.
Thanks for posting.
So the wildcard here is your father-in-law, let’s call him Tanaka社長. He’s paying his 40-something son a generous salary that supports your whole family (you, your husband, and his/your son) in a ¥300,000/month apartment for, according to you, no particular work responsibilities at his dad’s company.
And the question is, how does Tanaka社長 feel about this, and, how would he feel if he learned that his son was gambling away his living allowance on high-risk trades?
The normal flow of events in Japan is that the son would take over the company when the father retires. Corollary is the son would be expected to take a serious interest in running the company. Since this does not appear to be the case here it seems reasonable to assume that Tanaka社長 is well aware his son is a deadbeat and just paying to keep him off the streets. Factor in his previous divorce, and it’s fair to imagine that Tanaka社長s relationship with his son is likely already near breaking point.
All I’m saying here is that if you ever want to take the nuclear option, documenting your husband’s financial irresponsibility might come in useful, just as it would be wise to stay on Tanaka社長’s good books.
Is there any place you can go? Friends? Do you have any allies within his family that you can get help from?
I think you need to leave for now.
Get a job, save enough to live on your own, and leave this man-child. And while you’re working, don’t say anything to him about your job, coworkers, etc. Don’t give him any reason to complain (even though it sounds like he’ll find a way to do so) and plan for your eventual escape. Life is too short to be trapped in an unhappy and unhealthy relationship.
Listen please ! YOU ARE WORTHY OF LOVE AND RESPECT! Right now I think you are being emotionally abused and gaslit. Please don’t give up on your life because of another person’s inabilities and control.
“Worst case is things won’t get better and he will still blame me, but at least I’ll have the beginnings of an out from the situation and possibly the marriage. ”
This.
You already know what to do.
Good luck.
> He says I stole 3 years of his time.
Don’t let HIM steal any more of YOUR time.
He sounds like a total loser and needs to put others down to explain why, despite his genius, his ideas and investments always turn to shit.
Stop valuing yourself so little, and start making plans for the future without him. You are in a blatantly abusive relationship, even assuming I take all that you said here with a grain of salt.
We need a separate sub. r/Japanesespousalcomplaints
First thing: make sure your birth control is effective.
Second: Get that job. Tell him you are at the movies or in the library if you have to, but get your nest egg together.
Third: consult a lawyer about a divorce.
Fourth: if you want to stay in Japan, consider getting permanent residency if you don’t already have it.
That’s terrible. And 300,000 a month rental!?! Wtf are you living in a palace? Sounds like time to gtfo. At least for a holiday alone.
your most obvious action isnt to ignore him. it is to divorce him.
Divorce, get a job and go away from him, he’s hurting you emotionally and you don’t deserve that. 🙁 You are worth it and awesome.
The real reason he doesn’t want you to work is because he’s scared you’ll make enough money to leave. It’s the stress of wondering when you’re going to leave that will “distract him from his work”. If you get a job, he can’t trap you. So get a job, start saving, and hide all your important documents.
Isolation and control are forms of abuse. You are in an abusive marriage. There are resources here for women trying to escape abusive situations if you are able to get to a city hall there should he dv resources there. They can help you leave the marriage and also get some resources to help you live and support yourself while you get back on your feet. My friend did this and now lives very well with her daughter away from her abusive relationship. Her situation was similar to yours not physically abusive but very emotionally abusive and she wasn’t allowed to do anything or go anywhere he used his position as the bread winner to financially abuse her too. Hopefully you are able to get out abusive situations don’t usually improve……..
Several things are jumping out to me about your story.
The first thing you should know is that this is not your fault. He made all of the financial decisions which has led to being in debt. When he says, ‘this is your fault’, he is projecting onto you his feelings of inadequacy and failure. He is not taking responsibility for his decisions. This is red flag number 1.
Additionally, he seems to be unusually obsessed with controlling you by not permitting you to work or leave the house. Any normal person would look at this situation and try to strategize for the best way to get out. The fact that he is refusing to allow you to work seems to me that he is focused on protecting his pride instead of figuring out the best way out of this debt hole. Marriage is a partnership and must not be wholly about one party making all of the decisions. This is red flag number 2.
I don’t know your history with this guy and I can only begin to speculate as to how he ‘used to be’ before all of this happened. As the son of a narcissist, I can tell you that selfish people can act very sweetly when there is plenty of money and the times are good. However, in light of the fact that you haven’t been together very long, it is my suspicion that you are now finding out why he got divorced in the first place. I would be cautious about dealing with him since there may be other secrets that you don’t know about. Only you can decide when you’ve had enough of this relationship. You can try to help him against his own wishes. However, you should never forget that you cannot save someone who doesn’t want to be saved and you cannot change someone who does not want to change. Good luck!