I have a mammoth amount to do on my quest for a divorce, and today included two giant tasks. I paid the upfront costs for the new place, stoked to get it despite my being gaijin and being honest about my situation, and how my husband must not find out I was moving until it was over and done with. That felt good.
Both the lawyer and counsellor I went to on advice from you lovely people had urged me to go to the police and at least get it on record that I was the victim of abuse. The counselor had been fantastic. She listened carefully, took copious notes, completely validated my reasons for wanting to leave. She was as shocked by my husband’s behavior as my lawyer had been, as my family is, as most of you were.
The police? Not so much.
I admit I was not as eloquent as I could have been, maybe I should have prepared better. I took a letter detailing my reasons for leaving, evidence of stbx’s bullying messages, and attempted to tell the young man who interviewed me why I was there. Mainly because I’m scared of what my husband will do when he finds out, especially if that happens early and I haven’t set up my kids’ new home properly yet. That starts this weekend.
The officer was clearly skeptical of my reasoning, flat out asking “why did the counselor even tell you to come?” and insisting my husband mustn’t be that bad if I was planning on allowing the kids to visit. He said it was odd that I wouldn’t try harder to disappear, and didn’t rate my explanation of wanting to keep my Japanese kids in their home country, at a school they like, with friends they love. Honestly it felt like he was gaslighting me just like my partner.
His main issue seemed to be that though the pamphlet the city-recommended counselor showed me details about six types of domestic abuse, he only believes in the physically violent kind. The counselor had pointed out all the many ways my situation fit four types; emotional, social, financial and child abuse (for waking them up to blame me for the divorce and telling them I loved my freedom more than them). I hadn’t realized how bad it had gotten in so many different areas.
At that point they called the counselor at my request and she must have backed me up and clarified matters, because when he came back it was with a lovely woman who was much more inclined to listen and help me figure out what my options are.
Anyway, I left feeling pretty gutted, but it was a step to take and it’s done now.
21 comments
Yeah that sounds typical for the police here. Women definitely aren’t listened to here. Sorry you had to go through that. I hope life gets better from here on out.
Oh god, that’s awful. I hope your counsellor reamed him out good (I’m sure she didn’t but in a just world…)
Anyway, congrats on getting the big difficult step done!
I’m so glad for you.
About the kids thing. Aside from that cop being a … word I don’t like to use, as you probably know it’s quite usual here in Japan for the parent without custody to never end up seeing the kids again.
That’s a bad experience, but you handled it well. Good luck!
I’m proud of you.
It’s really bad, how could something happen
That cop sounds like a misogynistic prick. I’m glad that your counselor finally got someone to listen to you. I don’t know if you need to hear this, but you’re doing an amazing job lining all of this up and keeping yourself together. You should be proud of yourself.
Japanese police are utterly useless from my dealings with them. Absolutely useless bullies.
Better consult the welfare center. They’ll help you better than the police. My mom went through the same, and they were prompt to offer my mom a getaway home.
Sorry about your experience.
Police in the US get a ton of training on DV from DV organizations and a bunch of funding from the government for DV matters and their response is still pretty shit.
A lot of people just do not understand the dynamics of domestic violence.
Good for you! Glad to see you’re getting the kids out without his knowledge. As someone who’s been around a lot of J-cops/Riot Police, they can be asses, but they’re trained to treat everyone with suspicion and ask probing questions/make accusations. It’s unfortunate that it makes a difficult situation even more so. Empathy training isn’t a part of it, sadly. But hey, you’re doing fine despite the callous treatment, and soon you’ll be somewhat out of a toxic marriage, on the way to being free. So, keep at it and hang in there!!!
Coming from a long-time guy, some guys are just too simple and/or miserable to (want to) understand issues like these. Current generation looks like it’s being raised better, so at least there’s hope for the future.
Well done you for getting this far so quick! I’m guessing the young cop couldn’t get his head round the fact that DV isn’t just=a black eye. It’s pretty sad he questioned why you’d still give him access to the kids as if children are an exclusive “prize” that only one parent gets to keep to themselves.
You’ll have so much on your plate right now, but don’t forget the practical stuff like that form to have the post office deliver your mail to the new place.
Unfortunately there is a culture of victim blaming in Japan where you are seen to be at fault if you are bullied or maybe also as a victim of DV. It doesn’t help that you are a foreigner as well.
> The officer was clearly skeptical of my reasoning, flat out asking “why did the counselor even tell you to come?” and insisting my husband mustn’t be that bad if I was planning on allowing the kids to visit. He said it was odd that I wouldn’t try harder to disappear, and didn’t rate my explanation of wanting to keep my Japanese kids in their home country, at a school they like, with friends they love. Honestly it felt like he was gaslighting me just like my partner.
As a left behind parent (limited access to my daughter) and a lawyer, this kinda stuff is really disappointing to hear from people who are supposed to be there to protect us.
Not gonna involve myself in your situation other than to listen and wish you all the best moving forward. IMO what’s frustrating is that you’re trying your best to be the best possible person in a rough situation and they’re taking sides rather than saying ‘thanks… lemme take down your statement of facts… this is all confidential and we respect that you want some privacy… here’s some pamphlets about DV / divorce / counselling services if you don’t already have them’. I just don’t think it’s their job to be giving out unsolicited relationship advice, or sharing their 100 yen on your ex (who they’ve never met, let alone had kids with and lived under the same roof as). It’s just REALLY disappointing to see people doing this and I’m sorry you’ve had to go through it while you’re already battling with the REAL challenges (let alone having to deal with their unsolicited crap).
I love Japan and what the culture has to offer (including for my daughter). However IMO their family law system is in need of a re-think. Particularly since it’s a relatively conservative society where (IMO) a lot of Japanese women are strongly encouraged to marry young and ‘make things work’ with things like unplanned pregnancies (not saying any of this is you BTW, or assuming I know anything about you – just commenting on Japanese society in general).
All the best. I’m sure this sub is here to listen if there’s more you would like to share at some point.
>He said it was odd that I wouldn’t try harder to disappear…
I think that was not criticism, this was a veiled advice.
Japanese women in your situation really up and disappear. There’s a comprehensive video report on you-tu-be somewhere, I think it was made by vice. I can’t speak if this is something that you must do, I reckon your lawyer knows the legal and practical implications better.
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>insisting my husband mustn’t be that bad if I was planning on allowing the kids to visit.
This too, I think, perhaps, the police officer is hinting you at the reasoning you’re likely to hear in court later on. Allowing abuser’s visits may come back at you. Please run this by your lawyer.
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>he only believes in the physically violent kind
This sucks. The best explanation is that it’s the kind that’s easiest to prove in court. The meh is that the policeman is too used to his male privilege. The worst… let’s not go there.
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>they called the counselor
Mission accomplished, congratulations!
It sucks that it’s so tough. Let’s hope that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.
Things seemed to have escalated since your last message. I don’t know why you stay in this country. All that trouble for housing. You could have been on a plane home. Kids will adjust. They are resilient.
The Japanese police are good for when you’re lost and you need directions. That is about it.
The Police here are about as useful as a chocolate teapot.
Why do Japanese police seem to have a lack of empathy and common sense?
Which police did you go to – the koban or a station ? The people in the Kobans are generalist but a station would likely have a section with someone more experienced in DV.