My daughter is having trouble adjusting to the new environment at her high school.

13 comments

1. Talk to the homeroom teacher.

   Also, what kind of structure does your daughter want? The study side should be clear (unless the has terrible teachers). But, if it is study related then Juku (e.g. Tomas) can give better support.

   If it is social structure, the answer might harder to find

2. It’s high time your daughter starts to think for herself, learn to become an independent, responsible person who can weigh the daily challenges of life, and the burden of living on her shoulders. It’s the easiest way to become a rational person, rather than an NHK worshipper.

   Thanks for the tip though, I’ll send my kids to private school from the get go.

   Structure? One decides their own structure. If you have the ability to concentrate, and focus on studying independently, you will succeed in life.

   She has a choice now, with liberty comes the freedom of choice, with a compulsory structure comes a rudimentary way of thinking. Stuck in a bubble, I say.

3. You’ll have to be a little more concrete about how abnormal this particular school’s curriculum is. What guidance is absent, and what choices is she worrying over?

   My understanding is that the HS my daughters go/went to is relatively flexible. I just assumed that meant a larger percentage of elective classes. They were soon too busy with JUKU and prepping for university entrance to care I think.

4. I’m sorry to hear that, it sounds very distressing for all of you.

   Is your daughter attending a cram school? If so, her tutors there can be a great source of support and advice.

   Of course you must consult with her homeroom teacher and former teacher too, if you think it would help.

   I remember floundering in high school too because it was so much responsibility, and it required management skills that I hadn’t acquired yet. I felt anxious and overwhelmed. My friends were a great help to me then, rather than any adult in my life. Has your daughter made friends yet?

   I hope she gets all the help she needs, and gets through this rough patch soon. And I hope she goes on to make many happy memories of her school days.

5. I ‘m sorry about your daughter’s situaion. I was also in a high school that valued freedom, and while it worked for me I understand that it doesn’t for everybody.

   I see a few comments mentioning juku (cram school) but I’d advise against it unless your daughter actually wants to study. All they only care about is getting you into more classes. If you go in with ‘My daughter needs more structure and direction’ they’re most likely going to recommend her all of the courses they possibly can for ‘structure and direction’, even if they’re useless. For example, I’m a native English speaker and aced all of my English exams, but I was still recommended English grammar classes because I slipped that I couldn’t understand what 関係代名詞 meant. These people feed on your insecurities, and they have the 合格実績 to back themselves up.

   It’s also worth mentioning that going to juku means your daughter is going to prioritize it over schoolwork. My friends went to juku 5-7 days a week and studied until 11 PM every day. They had tons of textbooks, lots of homework, tutors at their disposal all day, lots of mock exams. But they also didn’t study school material at all, were obsessed with their top choices (unhealthily imo), missed out on a lot of school activities, and struggled with pressure from their juku classmates, teachers and parents. That’s not something I’d recommend to somebody who struggles with mental anxiety.

6. I can’t speak to your exact situation since I work at a primary school, but as a teacher, I would appreciate hearing from any parent in your situation. Many times, new students are scared to open up to us. They don’t want us to think they’re stupid, lazy, or weird. So they stay quiet and pretend all day that things are fine. Then they go home and break down.

   If you talk to the teacher and encourage your child to do so, they can have a better understanding of how to help your kid. They will know what support they need and how to read their mannerisms to know when things are becoming too much.

   Talking to the teacher is not a burden. It will help the teacher understand your child and make it easier for them to help. Teachers, parents, and students can be a fantastic team if they work together.

7. I don’t mean for this to come across as blunt but…

   > Any sudden changes cause her unnecessary stress.

   Yet she was switched from public to private school, I’m guessing where few/none of her friends are. At that age, losing your social circle is generally a much, much bigger deal than adjusting to a new teaching style.

8. The move to HS from JHS is a big one. It’s only been a couple of weeks. It will take time. Talk to her teachers and maybe find out when the school counselor is available.

   One of mine struggled to adjust and was ready to quit. There were a few days he didn’t go. They were difficult times. But a part-time job (unbeknownst to the school, of course) seemed to help him find a purpose to his day. I was relieved when he graduated but in hindsight the school was a poor match for him.

   Perhaps your daughter would find one of the quieter, gentler cultural or artistic school clubs beneficial to helping her find her people make some friends and bring some structure to her week.

   If it’s grades she’s concerned about she might need some help or reassurance that it’s ok to just get by til she finds her rhythm.

   Hope she finds her feet soon.

9. >but my daughter struggles with mental anxiety, which took us years to address.

   and you took her to Japan???

10. Work with your daughter to create her own schedule and structure. It’s better she learn this now before University. My education was all structured until University and the sudden freedom really tanked my grades. She can’t rely on someone else to tell her what to do for the rest of her life.

11. I’m assuming the “lack of structure” is more in the environment than the academic curriculum here. If the problem is the latter just contact her homeroom teacher and have them help figure out what to study.

    > it’s challenging for us to empathize with her situation.

    Imagine never knowing how to act and react, and everything you do potentially making you heartbreakingly ridiculous no one can find a word to console you or look at you without pity in their eyes. Imagine inadvertently offending others with every step you take.

    It’s hard to read the air in a more “free” environment, but there are always mannerisms to follow in a human environment. You just have to figure out where you are in what group. Most children eventually figure it out with trial and error.

    Is your daughter in some kind of a club in school? It can help greatly in socializing and getting used to the environment.

12. Mental illness haver all my life according to licensed practitioners in both the state of California, and Florida.

    This is the thing I always circle back to when it comes to mental illness.

    “Because of X, I can’t” vs. “In spite of X, I will (try).”

    I’m sure you’re doing everything you can as the parent to help this situation. I have no judgement or assumption to make.

    I only suggest that some kind of connection is made between the loose structure now, and the complete independence she’s going to have in a few short years. It totally sucks, to be the kind of person who sees open opportunity and that’s what shuts them down. To be overwhelmed by potential and have this sort of response to it like maybe, Executive Dysfunction.

    The reality is, that’s life. College. Bills. Job. Paperwork. Flat tires. Medical trips. etc. Assuming it hasn’t happened already, a lot of conversation and work needs to be done, with HRT, parents, friends, extended family, whoever. . .
    . . . that the potential best path forward is contextualizing the importance of that loose freedom, what’s to be gained from it, the challenges going forward with it, and how best to tackle it.

    I say all this because the largest pitfall on social media, in-person spaces, and so on that I see as someone in the same muck, is people falling back on the label. “Because of X I can’t.” I’ve been there. Alot of people are either still there or at some point will end up there. I think open dialogue that respects someone’s agency and balances that with a level of pragmatism is crucial.

13. I remember reading about the younger generation (at least here) finding “freedom” of interpretation/action to be more stressful, because there is the weight of being responsible for mistakes they are afraid they will have no support to deal with. I think this might be key. I’m sure you would support your daughter from what it sounds like, so it could be helpful to stress a lot the point that you are there to face problems that could arise, together. Even if she messes up in choosing things, everything has a way of being worked with/around. High school isn’t everything, sometimes young people feel their small world is the limit, but it isn’t, as we know when we grow older.
    Some people with self-control/self- discipline difficulties struggle more in a unstructured environment. Especially those with adhd, ocd, etc that can steer a person away from a goal that isn’t their particular passion. For that it is important to have her set on paper, pros and cons and the choices, then, make a schedule. In this you can help overlook that she does follow it; until a routine is established. No structure means she has to put the work in to make the structure for herself, which is scary because self doubt and lack of experience is self adjustment can bring on the anxiety of uncertainty; but she needs to remember “it is just high school, try and work with it, but in the end it is all a test run for life”
    Good luck