Will my wife have a life after divorce?

50 comments

1. Just get a side piece like every other Taro does.

   When in Rome…

2. >I could not leave her to die alone and abandoned.

   That’s her choice to make and therefore her responsibility.

   If she wants companionship, she can easily find it on her own.

   Live your own life — let her worry about hers.

3. If your youngest is going to uni I’d wait until they get in and get settled.

   After that it’s really her choice how she wants to live her life. You’ve only got one dude. My parents split up in a very, very similar situation and all I could think was man I wish they’d done it sooner.

4. I am assuming that your wife is about the same age as you, and the children are probably in college and almost grown ups. If she has a career and has two bio daughters, she will not be abandoned and alone. You will be like many other Japanese couples who divorce after all their children have grown up. Since she will no longer have to take care of you, and she will not need to mother her daughters as much as she did before, she will have more time for herself and friends. She’ll do just fine. You don’t have to live your life miserable and she doesn’t need to live her life with a man who is miserable being her husband.

   Edit: And don’t go the side chick route, because if your wife gets proof of that and chooses to divorce you, the court will order you to pay her up to 3 million in compensation, and your side chick 1 million yen. Not to mention the disgust your daughters may feel for you.

5. Seems to me you still really love her. I’d try to go to counseling if possible. I’m half your age so take anything I say with a grain of salt but I couldn’t imagine leaving someone I’ve spent all that time with and dating someone new.

   I hear Japanese women tend to lose their libidos after marriage but surely there’s a way to trigger it as it’s chemical more than it is a mindset. Godspeed man I hope there’s a happy ending

6. You could just do what most married Japanese people in your situation do.

   Go to fuzoku or get a mistress while keeping up appearances. If you go the mistress route, preferably get one who is also in a dead marriage and perhaps get your wife’s consent.

   Talk to your wife about it. Her allowing you to go to fuzoku or meet someone else once a week might just be preferable to her being separated. I know a lot of couples who have this arrangement. But maybe your wife is different.

7. I rarely comment on these kind of topics but it seems like communication should be exhausted before something like divorce. She should at least know that if there is no communication than divorce is on the table.

8. After seeing how much my old grandparents help each other out, I would say divorce isn’t the only option

   Perhaps a marriage counselor might help

9. I assume you have talked with her long ago about how you feel. How was her reaction? And what do you seek?

   I see a lot of people here are assuming you want only sexual pleasure. That would be easy to get and I doubt your wife would object. Almost every similar case I’ve seen, even friends who are not even 30 yet, the wife (or husband!) who is not interested in sex chose to turn a blind eye on it.

   If you want to feel loved, I think you better think well if you are able to keep it separated from your family life and not let it interfere with it. Don’t let your emotions cloud your decisions.

10. If you’re that worried about her then don’t divorce her.

11. Dude your kids are grown, sounds like you more worried about the kids then her..look it’s up to u but dude at 50 and no romance no sex life it’s not about physical pleasure, but it’s still huge..

    1. Tell her how ya feel
    2. Tell her we need to work on this
    3. if not just fking leave bro!

12. Sounds like someone is still stuck in their 30s mindset mate. Aren’t you successful enough to buy a sports car like the other men going through a midlife crisis?! That’ll get the ladies.

    When is the last time you treated her like you were romantically interested? Your kids are flying the nest, she can finally relax and perhaps you could reconnect the things you’ve lost, develop new hobbies and a new appreciation for each other? Go treat her and take her out and do something unexpected.

    Or you know, do like all the other creepy old douchers and go through a string of ‘dating’ mindless 20-30 year olds who talk about Disney, have 0 in common, and have awful sex with you until you suddenly wake up old and alone.

13. Welcome to Japan. Your situation is far more common than you could imagine. It’s the way things are. I have so many friends and colleagues who are in similar spots. You’re not alone. No adverse ce to give. It’s your life.

14. Absolutely no one is going to be able to answer this question but your wife.

15. When was the last time you two went on a break with just yourselves?

16. [removed]

17. Imagine yourself at 60. Not that far away. What are your love, sex, romance requirements? You’ve now got a family to be proud of. What do you get in exchange?

18. Out of curiosity, how do you marry with “no love, no sex, no romance” ? Or did those disappear after getting married?

19. Reddit may not be the best place for advice, so let me try and be a little bit more gentle.
    1) Are you really trying your best to give her love? Are you doing the things that made her like you at the start of your relationship? Did you try and make her fall in love with you again? Maybe you used to invite her to a party, travel, write cute notes, look into her eyes etc? Are you in shape and admirable? I mean if things have dropped to 0, you can rebuild it. Your ‘solution’ of finding someone else will require the same effort.
    2) Is this about sex mostly? If she is really not interested in it, there could be arrangements to be made? I mean, she may already be assuming you would be doing these things if you really needed them. She may actually be doing the same, not thinking much of it. (Does not necessarily mean sex, she could be visiting a soothsayer or spend stuff on expensive lunches or whatever)

    A little bit of speculative harshness:
    -Are you projecting? Certainly the foreigner getting old in Japan alone after a series of flings to deal with the midlife crisis will be most at risk.
    -Have you considered getting off of the porn and getting a real hobby or a few? It seems like daily porn has filled your head with the idea that a relationship is all about being physically attached to each other.

20. Maybe try to communicate, bring up the no romance, no sex, and the possibility of divorce before actually doing it. It seems that she’s a good mother and seems like you still care for her so maybe actually try to fix this before escalating it to divorce.

    Maybe ask your kids for help/advice to help you recommunicate with your wife. Or maybe go on late night romantic dates, travel with just the two of you to some place romantic.

    Maybe the reaction will change if you do something way outside both of your comfort zone. Kids are already almost old enough to be in college, im sure youve saved enough for then. Maybe do a long trip together, that might spice things up.

21. Guy I know here in his fifties, in a similar situation, and has an arrangement with his wife. Basically laid the same cards out on the table, suggesting divorce, and instead she agreed to just let him live his life, but keep up the marriage for appearances sake (mostly because they run a business together). So he basically rents a separate apartment now where he does his own thing now for his private life.

    I’ve known them both since before and after this arrangement, and I can honestly say, they are far more amicable around each other now than they were prior to said arrangement.

22. Okay you’re running up against 3 different things. As someone who’s in his mid 50’s and has gone through a lot of the transitions in my relationship with my wife let me try to make you feel if not better not alone.

    1. As we age that romantic love transitions to something different. You have to accept that. The hot fiery can’t keep your hands off each other isn’t coming back.

    2. Menopause is a hell of a drug. Talk to her about hormone replacement therapy. The changes in her brain and brain chemistry might not be something she particularly enjoys either. And those sex hormones have a lot to do with physical desire/libido.

    3. You don’t have to feel like you’re abandoning someone you care about because her feelings have changed. It’s difficult enough to find intimate time with 2-3 kids. It’s even harder when they’re now out of the nest and what you’ve built your life around for the last 20+ is no longer there. Consider having a talk with her and see if you can come to some sort of arrangement to let you see other people. It doesn’t sound like you’re fighting or hate each other just that your feelings have changed and she’s no longer sexually interested and you’re a good enough dude to recognize that you shouldn’t be guilting/forcing/etc. her. Maybe she’d be open to letting you have some fun time “as long as it doesn’t follow you home?” if she’s not meeting your physical needs. And that doesn’t follow you home is rough, women you lie to about your availability to be in a relationship are no different here than anywhere else, lying to someone that there’s potential for a long term committed relationship when there isn’t is a shitty thing to do and like i said you don’t sound like a shitty dude, and there’s a reason ghosting is the let’s break up without making a scene action of choice.

    Anyway – good luck brother.

23. You’re wasting worry posting like this if you haven’t actually broached the topic with your wife. You say she doesn’t want to talk about serious things, but I’m sure she’d have something to say about this. I think you’re putting off having a serious conversation by thinking this way/hamster wheeling yourself . So in a tough love kinda way, youre gonna need to put up or shut up.

24. You have only one life. I understand caring about your wife’s life post-divorce, but if you have exhausted all other options, you should not keep yourself from being happy and loved for the sake of your wife. Why would her happiness take precedence over yours?

25. If she doesn’t want to talk about it, write it down like you did here and let her read it when she’s ready.

26. Her life would never be destroyed by divorce. There are many divorced single women in Japan and they enjoy their life just being herself. Your wife will be the same. She will enjoy her life. Solo activities are widely accepted in Japanese society, that means women can do whatever they want all alone. Solo activity is widely accepted in Japan. Solo trip, solo BBG, solo Disneyland, solo camp, solo cruise ship, solo onsen, solo afternoon tea, solo karaoke, solo bouldering, solo aquarium, solo movie, solo theater, solo zoo, solo solo solo …. There are so many things we Japanese women enjoy alone.

    So there is nothing you worry about her future life because she won’t lose anything after divorce. I bet she will be happier after divorce.

27. There’s at least a decent chance she’s just waiting for you to die so she can enjoy whatever is left of her life. My wife has gym friends who are like that. Older ladies in their 60s, hoping their old man croaks in the night.

    > She just doesn’t want to talk about uncomfortable things or share her true thoughts and feelings.

    Just straight-up tell her that you’re thinking about divorce and you want to talk about it. Once a topic like that is on the table the conversation will happen.

    You might want to at least wait until your youngest is out of HS and into university, 17 is a tough age in Japan with all the entrance exam pressure.

28. Is she not into you because you let yourself go? If you got in shape, bathed regularly, and dressed nice would she want to bang you? You always need to consider that it’s not her, it’s you.

29. How about not divorcing but just living separately and getting together for certain family events etc. ?
    It would be a bit weird for any future partner of yours but not insurmountable.

30. My mother in law divorced in her mid 50s. She looks like she’s having the time of her life and certainly maintains her identity of being a mother whilst enjoying her career. I don’t think she has any regrets, except maybe that she’d done it sooner.

31. I can assure you with 100% confidence that there are DOZENS of women who live conveniently close to a station area that is conveniently close to where you live and/or work and has nice restaurants and love hotels, who are within 10 years of your age, are serviceably attractive, and are happy and comfortable in their lives as wives and mothers with the exception that they’d really fucking like to have a nice dinner and dicking every couple of weeks.

    You just need to get on the right app and start looking.

32. OP at least talk to a marriage counselor first before you consider divorce. You sound like a sweet man who still loves his wife.

33. Dude I felt as I was looking into a mirror reading this post. I’ve also heard your story so many times from other people I know who have married into Japan. I don’t have an answer for you because I’m still searching for it myself. I hope I find it soon… Life at this rate makes me severely depressed.

34. She needs to know that you don’t feel loved and fulfilled and are considering leaving. Make her know you’re serious and get her to talk things through. Maybe go to couples therapy.

    People telling you just to ditch her and YOLO don’t have any idea what real relationships and family are. There are a lot of steps left before that imo, based on what you’ve said.

35. I want to tell you something my ex-hostmom told me. Shes in her early 50s too and we talked about this. She told me that most of japanese marriages are like yours and that they basically wait until all kids are out of university just to split up because they dont love each other anyway. My view was that being in a relationship just „for the kids“ and for financial stability despite not loving each other is ethically speaking wrong. Her stance was that you owe it to your children. But as soon as the children are working adults that responsibility disappears and you are „free“(to leave)again.

    She told me that NONE(as in 0, zero) of her friends love their husbands. Its anecdotal, might even be a saitama thing, who knows? But it baffled me.

    As other people mentioned, straight up tell her about divorce so she understands how serious you are. In the best case she still loves you and genuinely wants to work on the relationship. However, i could imagine that she doesnt want to divorce until your children are both adults so she will try to mend things. Well, until your children graduate uni.

    At the end of the day you have to look after yourself though. Dont stay in an unhappy marriage for another 30-40 years just because you feel bad.

36. Do what most married men do in this situation and go get your needs serviced in sex establishment.

37. try …
    cleaning the whole house
    then tell her you did it coz you appreciate everything she did
    add a flower (optional) there
    then follow her to the bathroom before or during her bath
    coz romance triggers a woman’s sexdrive no matter the age is. . . my mom is the same age but still craves love n attention she had a fling with a workmate:( because all my dad talk about is money

    I think it applies to alot of women – from someone who doesn’t want sex when there is no “love” too

38. Communicate to your partner, family, and close friends…not Reddit

39. It appears that you are still in love with her. This might seem unusual to some people, but it’s important to understand that sex and love can be separate entities. Many wives allow their husbands to seek sexual satisfaction outside the relationship because they recognize that sex is not love. Communication is key.

40. If my husband divorces me or passes away I will never date again. Simply because I realised I way prefer being on my own!
    She will have a life, there’s more than dating or being in a relationship with someone.

41. My 2 cents: consider a middle road.

    Far too many people –especially in Japan but elsewhere too– seem to think of divorce as this huge final abrupt break-all-ties さよなら event, which I don’t find very healthy.

    For example, you could be like “hey, I enjoy our Sundays (or whatever day of the week) and vacations (or some such event) together, and I’d like to keep doing that kind of thing, and I want to remain involved in our children’s lives as much as possible, and you’ll always play an important part in my life …but as a couple, I’m thinking it might be better if we go our separate ways? What are your thoughts/preferences in that regard?”

    There is no need to immediately finalize anything in either direction. Just suggest trying a transition to a different kind of situation – without doing away with any of the good things you might have set up for yourselves over the years.

    This kind of conversation is often hard to have when the marriage is still fresh, when one or both sides are (still) prone to jealousy and other such emotions/insecurities …but is usually less of an issue when you’ve been together for many years and those feelings -for better and for worse- have already faded to some extent.

42. Talk to her about it. I know it’s harder than it sounds, but talk about it. I’m an Asian woman of, I guess, about your wife’s age. It’s not something we normally talk about, but it’s healthy.

    Our sex life fell apart earlier because I was so exhausted from having children. I knew my SO was upset but he didn’t want to say anything bc he loves me. He didn’t want a “have sex or we get divorced” sort of thread, and I didn’t want him wandering off. So I brought it up first, and after much reluctance, we went to therapy.

    Therapy is great because it’s not judgmental. It helped us find a middle way.

    Give your wife at least the chance to talk. Don’t assume she’s sexless or that she’ll be destroyed by divorce. Maybe she does have a libido – maybe she wants to be free after raising two kids. Just ask her.

43. As a woman who also doesn’t like to talk about uncomfortable things but wants more than almost anything in the world to be someone who can, please try harder. Speak gently and lovingly. You care for this woman. She’s your wife. The mother of your children. You’d really leave without attempting a proper conversation? Try to have the conversation. Tell her how you feel. Tell her what you’re thinking. Lay out everything you’ve said in this post, but not in a threatening way. If you haven’t said any of these things, she probably has no clue you’re thinking of divorce, and it would absolutely shatter her. Don’t blindside her. If you’ve laid everything out and been honest with her, and she’s still not receptive, then you’ve done what you can, and she knows what’s coming as a result of her choice to disengage.

44. Bro talk to your wife

45. You should re kindle this and live a life instead of worrying about Reddit. Go buy some flowers, write her a note, tell her she’s beautiful and that you want to take her to pound town.

46. > her whole identity in Japanese society is being a mother and a wife. If she was divorced, she’d lose almost all of that.

    No… she’d lose precisely half of that? She’ll no longer be a wife but she will still be a mother?

    > I could not leave her to die alone and abandoned.

    Then sit her down and get her to communicate? Use ultimatums if you have to? This makes it seem like you care about her – do the hard work first?

    > my life of having an allowance

    What? Where does this come from? And … why is it so bad?

    Because look, there’s nothing inherently wrong with it, but it’s something both parties need to have discussed and be on board with. If “staying married” automatically means having an allowance, and you don’t like that, it speaks volumes to how much communication you’re having.

    You can stay married and not have an allowance. At least recognize that part.

    In short, you’re worried about her, but she’ll have her family (siblings/cousins?), and a network of friends she built since elementary school… and while I don’t know the full story, it also needs to be said: if your reason for divorce boils down to “because daddy wanted more sex,” she’ll have your two kids on her side, too.

    You, on the other hand…. seem eager to remarry but if/when that doesn’t pan out, I gotta wonder how much you’ll be left with here.

47. Do you fully help out around the house and when you did have sex did you actually make her cum? Do you take her on dates?

    So many men think women have low libido when really the men are just so bad in bed and lazy around the house that it’s the biggest turn off!

48. There are a lot of misinformed comments here. Firsthand, the majority of marriages I’ve seen in Japan (where people are willing to talk about it and be real) involving Japanese women and children result in a sexless, family-centric situation. I’m not lambasting it, it’s just the way it seems to be. There is no way out of it. It’s not about rekindling romance with communication. The communication is not good but is easily read. This is not a western, romantic comedy situation. A lot of women in Japan see sex as for the beginning of a relationship/making babies and then it’s gone when its marriage and kids arrive. The marriage can be fine and the situation with the kids and family is usually very good, but the husband often receives no affection and the focus is all on the running of the household. The original poster is brave for posting this, a lot of people are going through it but many won’t talk about it. You love your wife and kids and it’s all good, but a lack of physical intimacy is horrid in a marriage. Is divorce the answer? It’s a difficult question and anyone jumping to extremes without nuance should think about what they post.

49. My male Japanese friends tend to have a partner for romance, next to the wife they have a family with. Not sure how they do it but that seems to be pretty standard. Just saying.

50. Hate to say it like this but it’s almost a standard thing in Japan to divorce after the kids are off to college. It’s almost looked at as a second life. Talk about it with her and make plans for after the 17 year old is off to uni. You owe it to your youngest to wait as a parent. After that you can have your life back and so can she. Whatever you do don’t start cheating and getting ahead of yourself because that will ruin any good faith had in you. In the meantime don’t become a stereotype drunk pervert old man, start doing things on your own outside of family and start building a life for you after the divorce.