My wife’s family think that she’s fluent in English, but I barely understand what she’s saying when she speaks English to me. I try hard to understand her and if I can make sense of what she’s saying, I answer her which makes it looks as if she has said everything she wanted to say perfectly in the eyes of a Japanese person when they’re watching us talk.
When I speak Japanese, everyone knows my level because I’m speaking their language. I just get spoken to like I’m a toddler and patronized because they can hear my mess ups. I’m N2 level which I know is still a beginners level, but it frustrates me when I’m seen as the beginner of Japanese and she’s seen as the master of English, just out of pure ignorance.
She translates everything wrong when her parents speak to me, even though I actually understood what they were saying in Japanese in the first place, and it’s like she’s showing off and trolling her way through the whole thing. If I say ‘わからない’ back to her, it just flies over her parents heads.
I’ve spoken to her about it, but either way I just feel looked down on all the time and then just see Japanese people getting a free pass when speaking broken English which barely makes sense, just because the person watching us talk only understands my level and not hers.
ARGH!!!
19 comments
First of all who gives a damn what her family thinks of her English and your Japanese. She’s trying her best and so are you. Assuming you two speak primarily in Japanese together, I can understand why you are feeling the way you are, because it sounds like you pick up a lot of slack when communicating as the non native speaker and you don’t get recognized. Take pride in what you do know and don’t stop to make it better. The same goes for your wife; give her credit for doing her absolute best and help her if the situation arises. I used to compare myself to my wife’s stellar English and my broken Japanese interactions with her family all the time… So I’ve decided to own up to it and improve so I can let the resentments go. Live and let live my man.
should have thought about all this before you put a ring on it
>I just feel looked down on all the time and then just see Japanese people getting a free pass when speaking broken English which barely makes sense, just because the person watching us talk only understands my level and not hers.
This happens with me and my husband too. My husband doesn’t speak English but will try and even though I do speak Japanese, he gets the “Taro, sugoi ne!”. My extended Japanese family are going to hear his English and think “wow, his English is really good!” even though it really isn’t. But I don’t get mad because of his lack of skill. I’m proud he’s trying his best and trying to help me as much as possible.
Even if JP people can speak near fluent English, the big problem for me is interpreting their vagueness. ” Did you do that?” They’ll ask and get annoyed when I reply “What’s that?”. “You forgot already??” they demand.
Been there in another country. Soon you will pick up intermediate daily Japanese, and this will no longer an issue. Keep trying your best Japanese practice with your wife.
BTW, username,,,
Hahahaha, as a non-native English speaker, my go-to response to English-speaking Japanese people when I don’t feel like speaking English is, “Gomennasai, chotto eigo soko made wakaranainode.” Then I force my way through Japanese.
I am guessing your native language is English, so good luck. If things get bad, you can always act like you didn’t understand what she was saying: “Sorry, could you please repeat that? I am terribly sorry, but I still can’t understand. A brick? Oh, wait, a trick? Sorry, there must have been something wrong with my hearing today”. That ought to give her a reality check.
…and you *married* this person?
I foresee another divorce thread.
Well….. Tough situation to be in, but like another guy already said: It’s best to acknowledge and own this and then focus on becoming freakin’ amazing at Japanese.
Anything else will just not have a very good impact on your quality of life…. (Unless you decide to divorce your wife, and her family that is….)
Make the best of what you have and get Amazing my man.
This often happens amongst international couples, imo.
A Japanese woman speaks extremely broken English with her man and he just nods.
It would be a good idea to invite her and your English speaking friends to a party and let her speak English with them. She’ll notice that her English isn’t so good as she thinks in case she’s not dumb.
Funny enough, my wife had the opposite problem. Her English is quite good but her coworkers thought she was bad at it because she tried to speak easy English to a foreigner who could not understand it well. Now they think she sucks because she spoke super slowly to them.
Sounds like she gets eigo jyozu and you get taken (a bit) more seriously. At the same time I think my wife likes showing off similar to this, but her English is pretty advanced. My Japanese is shit, but if I’m alone with her parents we have a chat, then the wife comes and starts translating everything.
Anyway, sounds like an easy fix in just tell her to stop it.
I may be wrong, but I seem to remember you posting recently about you spending money and your wife’s family not thanking you right?
It seems to me that you feel a bit down-trodden in several aspects of your life with your wife and her family. The power imbalance of money, language can be difficult to navigate so I really sympathise
Obviously I don’t know if they really do look down on you or if it’s all in your head, but I agree with another commenter. If your wife is doing her best and not treating you maliciously, then I think it would be beneficial to work on your self-confidence and how you present yourself, rather than try and change her family members.
Going on a whim here so I may be wrong, but it seems like your view yourself as a victim in a lot of these situations and that leads to you feeling unhappy and not respected. Perhaps you are indeed the victim, but as the situations themselves aren’t likely to change I suggest trying to look at the situations differently. Perhaps try speaking up a bit more and showing your personality to your in laws so they see you as a person rather than just an extension of your wife (that’s my take, again I’m not sure if it’s at all relevant or true!)
This shouldn’t probably feel like your wife vs. you.
Let her parents feel good about her. Anyway, you’re probably getting better at Japanese a lot faster than she’s getting better at English (if at all).
Mate, your posts are all slowly descending into unhappiness.
I’m guessing your living with her family which even with a good relationship, must be intense and not that fun – don’t let them bully you (literally saw your post about the FIL not letting you use the bloody aircon). Time to plan an exit strategy with the wife in tow. Get out of Nagoya, get a job you enjoy and take control of the situation.
It’s understandable that you’re feeling frustrated and disheartened by the language dynamics with your wife and her family. Your N2 level in Japanese is already a first-step achievement, and your language efforts should be valued and respected. It may be helpful to have an open conversation with your wife about your feelings and concerns. Focus on your own progress and growth rather than comparing yourself to others, and try to approach language learning with patience and understanding. Remember that learning a language is a journey, and with time and practice, your skills will continue to develop, boosting your confidence in expressing yourself effectively.
How did both of you fall in love and decide to get married if you can’t communicate?
Op well done on clearing N2!! Ik it’s super hard to study Japanese especially self studying and yes it’s upsetting to not get complimented /respected by people close to you! The time will come when you will need to help properly in English. Meanwhile next of luck on your Japanese!! Keep using it and in no time you will be ペラペラ！
It’s not clear why you’re worrying about this: unless you have clear evidence that your Japanese is flawless, it’s more than likely that the people you are talking with are simply applying the same standards to you that you are to your wife.
If you want to forestall this problem in the future, make a concerted effort to learn Japanese after your divorce.
It works the other way too. The gaijins churning out, ‘genki desuka?’ when family and friends are in town are viewed as linguistic geniuses.