I just miss my country, my family, and my friends so much and feel really lonely here. Despite the fact that I love Japan, I feel like moving here was a big mistake.
I have a wife who I originally met in the UK and we moved over here together. She wanted to go home, and now that I came over here with her, I now have the same problem. The trouble is, since moving here, I feel I’ve seen a different side to her and also her family who have supported us financially but at the same time talk as if I’m an English speaking fish that she caught and bought home with her and is there to demonstrate how well their daughter speaks English whilst looking down on me when I speak Japanese. I used to video call her family a lot back when we first met, but my feelings towards them changed after I came here. Me and my wife had never actually lived together prior to me moving here, it was just dating then as soon as I got into Japan things moved very quickly, and we got married just as we had started living together for the first time.
It turned out that her parents are rich via inheritance and wanted to spend the money before it gets taxed in the future, so they blew so much of that money on me and my wife. They paid for our wedding and also paid a huge deposit on a house (which is technically in her fathers name). At the time, they wanted us to have kids, but I said I don’t want to have them in an apartment and we were also desperate to move out as the place we were living was like a shoebox. When the offer from her parents came forward for having a house, we went for it because that would have made our lives here much better and we could have considered having children.
Fast forward 6 or so months (my 2nd year in Japan), I just feel sick about how much I miss home, and no matter how hard I try to change that I can’t. I’m terrified about having kids here now because I know that my sadness of being here will rub onto them and I’ll have no option to go home. Everyone at home is upset that I left and wishes I’d be back someday, and talking to them about that feels so painful because I feel the way that they do. My nephew was given a guitar plate which I used to use the other day and burst into tears when he saw it because of how much he misses me. There is just something in my gut telling me to go home every day and when I think about how much damage that will do to my wife and her family it makes me feel awful. Moving home would mean divorcing my wife, because her grandma said ‘you can only be married to someone who lives and stays in Japan’ and on top of that, my wife doesn’t get on with my family and I have no financial support back home. The cost of living is so bad in the UK that even one person can’t afford to just pay for themselves, so adding another person who is also unable to speak the language fluently would be a disaster in terms of being financially safe, because we’d be fending for ourselves with no help. Our relationship has also started to go stale in general.
When I first got here, things were going really well but slowly descended into misery for me. I know that I’ve been lucky to marry into a financially supportive family, but I’d give all of that up just to be around the people at home who have known me my whole life and just for my life to feel normal again. My homesickness just wont go away, and I feel that the people I care about at home will always be upset if I stay here.
I know that I was wrong to accept the offer to get a house here but at the time things were going well. Is is wrong of me to say I want to go home? Or do I just stay here and take the hit of being miserable missing my family and true home for the rest of my life?
25 comments
There’s nothing wrong with feeling however you feel, as long as you’re not an asshole about it.
Talk to your wife about your feelings hontestly and discuss if there are areas that can be improved. If not, there is nothing wrong with going a different way
It’s never wrong to go home. You moved to Japan for her – if she’s unwilling to move somewhere for you then it shows how important you are to her compared to how important she was to you. Sadly it usually doesn’t work out well, though. You’ll need to choose between a life of misery here, or divorce and going home – unless you can find some way to love Japan.
Have you 100% communicated all of this to your wife? Why not take a trip home for a bit and see how you feel. But staying in a relationship because you feel guilty isn’t fair to your wife and ultimately your marriage will suffer. If my husband isn’t happy then neither am I.
how much of this is:
1) unsatisfied with your career
2) unsatisfied with communication / daily living challenges
3) pre-existing mental health etc (very common in those from the UK!)
4) desire for strange (or rather, regrets about settling down, feeling trapped in a relationship etc.)
5) unsatisfied with personal growth, goals etc
It very well may be the country and you aren’t suited for you, but in my experience, usually some combination of the 5 above can lead people to think that japan isn’t for them.
I have a friend, hated life in japan, always bitching, felt stuck, blah blah blah, changes jobs from 3 years of english conversation to a desk job in a field he’s interested in, all of a sudden blooms like a flower and feels great and still lives here to this day.
I don’t usually comment on posts like these, but it has reminded me so much of a friend’s situation i could swear it’s him writing this.
If you are miserable then honestly don’t stay. You don’t need to feel bad, sometimes things just don’t work out. It could have been a good relationship in the beginning, but as you mentioned you only saw a different side of your wife and her family after moving here. It’s possible they were hiding it from you too, it was certainly the case for my friend. His wife showed her true colors after getting married because it was like a done deal, now you can’t escape. Seems to be very common in asia.
From what you wrote, your wife’s family would have spent that money anyway, whether it was you or someone else.
So in my opinion, as a random stranger, first do not have children. If you are miserable and your relationship with your wife isn’t good, bringing in children is the worst thing to do. Don’t feel bad, and just do what your gut tells you.
TBH you both sound incredibly immature. My suspicion is that you’re homesick and you want a divorce but you’re trying to hide behind this narrative you’re spinning in order to feel justified.
You’ve created this cartoonish depiction of your wife and I’m not buying it. Just go back home if that’s what you want so badly.
>because her grandma said ‘you can only be married to someone who lives and stays in Japan’
Do you know how unrealistically absurd this sounds? Not that the grandma said it but that your wife would take this as some kind of military order. Does she do everything she’s told to do by her grandparents?
EDIT:
Wtf I’m like 90% sure this is that same guy who posted something a few months ago and deleted it when the thread didn’t go his way. The thread then went something like “Wife doesn’t work so I want to divorce her” and it turned out that she was late in pregnancy. If you look as **OP’s post history you’ll notice a few times where he mentions that his wife is pregnant.** But notice how he doesn’t mention that here and acts as if he won’t be having kids.
EDIT2: He literally just went into his post history and deleted all of his mentions of her being pregnant to try and cover it up.
EDIT3: Miscarrage or not, it doesn’t change the fact that OP has a history of spinning narratives about his marriage to try and sympathy farm this sub. He wants your support to feel justified in divorcing his wife.
[Link to thread where he hints at getting a divorce cause his wife wasn’t working.](https://www.reddit.com/r/japanlife/comments/15zocn6/do_most_japanese_wives_stay_at_home_even_without/) He conveniently left out in that thread that him and his wife were benefitting from her rich parents. He also conveniently left out that she had just had a miscarriage, which would’ve explained his wife’s behavior in part.
Quote from OP in that thread:
>I work remotely from home which is why I know what she does. I don’t closely watch her or anything weird like that, but it’s just really obvious.
>
>I think we’re both mentally dealing with a lot at the moment, the change of life (we moved from UK > JP together) was hard, but I don’t see why she as the national should now get to sit back and feel sorry for herself whilst the foreigner works in a country he doesn’t fully understand. I speak Japanese and still it’s hard for me.
Mate, we’ve all been reading your posts for months and could tell all was not right.
Can’t you talk to your wife? Do you actually have decent communication/things in common? Did you back in England or was it just the excitement? It sounds like she is your only real friend here and if she isn’t even on your side then what’s the point of trying.
We all make mistakes but figuring out if you want to be with her sounds like it should be the priority. Fuck her hick wannabe rich parents.
Sadly in an international marriage, one party will always end up living away from their home country. This means losing touch with friends and friendly sadly. Unless you are wealthy enough to go back on a regular basis which isn’t really an option for most people, you’re going to miss out on family events, etc.
If you are really thinking of leaving Japan (and your wife) then do it before you have kids. It will be much easier without any kids involved. But keep in mind that the grass is always greener on the other side – is the UK really that great? I went home after 4 years always last summer and was surprised how much things have changed in that short a time. Everything seems much more expensive and in general the UK seems to be going down the tubes in a lot of ways.
Everyone else have pretty sound advice and I only have one thing to add – *don’t have any kids right now*. Use protection.
I suggest you go home for a few weeks, take a look at prices of apartments and food, research what kind of jobs you could get. This may only serve to remind you how expensive UK life would be, but at the very least it would alleviate your homesickness.
Sorry if this sounds harsh but sounds to me like you want the emotional security of home but the financial security of Japan. But you can’t have your cake and eat it too. You have to commit yourself fully to either developing your career so you can earn enough for the both of you back in the UK or earning the respect of your wife’s family and feeling at home in Japan. What have you done to pay them back for their generosity?
Quick scan of your past posts say your career path is not certain. Also seems like your social life is lacking. Those two in your home country alone would be enough to feel down. Add that to missing what sounds like a very close bond with your family and I think your feelings are very valid. I’m very close with my parents, but we’ve both learned that time and space apart actually has made us even closer.
I think your language says it all, you’ve never considered Japan or your japanese family home or even an extension of your home. I bet you often say things to yourself like well back at home, we do it this way. Comparison is the thief of joy. If you’re not willing to accept the reality of the choices you made then of course, bumping into that reality is uncomfortable. I gently suggest trying to actually live here, make connections, figure out how to make yourself valuable to society in a way that you find rewarding, practice being present.
Japanese people are not generous, no matter how rich, and I should know because I am Japanese.
The investment of her parents in you reflect a lot of expectations and hope that they have.
It’s very irresponsible to turn your back on all of it and ditch everything, and many of the commenters here are equally irresponsible or just downright vile to encourage you to do so.
I feel a lesson that many people should learn is that it’s not just about themselves, but also spare a thought for others.
The point of no return was before you came to Japan, not now.
This is why I plainly tell a lot of foreigners and Japanese alike. Don’t get into an international marriage.
What are you actually doing to make your life in Japan enjoyable? All I see here is complaining about being home-sick?
Are you making friends and getting involved in hobbies? Exercising? Going out of town and taking day trips? Dates with your wife? Are you learning Japanese well?
I think you’re focusing on home way to much. Until it’s at a breaking point you have made a commitment to your wife.
Don’t you think Japan is a better place to raise kids than the UK? I do. Not sure how old you are but getting remarried only gets harder.
I swear you posted this before then deleted it
Yes dude, that is super scummy getting married and having your father in law buy a chunk of your house and saying you want out. You need to solve your problems here. If your relationship is stale (pretty normal for marriage), have more fun experiences together. Talk more, do things together. If you are home sick, have trips back home. Don’t be that gaijin that runs home to escape.
OP are you downvoting every comments here.
I am trying hard to comprehend your hardship but you seem to just put blame on everything around you and decide to stay jobless
Yes absolutely you should go straight home
Go back to your mom basement and learn to grow up
Everyone else is making points about your feelings, but it looks like you’ve kinda already answered the question yourself.
> I have no financial support back home. The cost of living is so bad in the UK that even one person can’t afford to just pay for themselves
So if you divorce her (potentially losing up to half of whatever net worth you have right now) and go back to the UK, how exactly are you planning on getting along? You literally _just_ said that you have no financial support and that CoL is so high that a person can’t afford to support themselves.
Take a look at what you were able to accomplish. A wedding paid for, a deposit for a nice home paid for. A wife with financially supportive parents and a promising future of raising a family.
Let’s say you drop everything, get divorced, and go home. What’s waiting for you? A few drinks every now and then with some buds? Seeing your family/friends once every few weeks? After a few years, then what? People grow, people move, people start their own families. What happens when your friends move and nieces/nephews go to college? You think anyone is going to put their lives on hold for you? So Why are you putting your life on hold for them?
The trade-off to me is like you’re going back home to square one, when you already have so many other boxes checked living in Japan.
You can’t have everything. It’s part of growing up. No one’s around you forever except your wife and kids, wherever in the world you are. Imo, you’re looking backward at home with rose-tinted glasses. Go on a vacation and visit family/friends more often.
You’re already establishing your roots in Japan.
You pathetic rat, sucking up all the funds of another family, nice job! 👍🏻
you sound abit immature, how old are you? Feels like early 20s, like youre not ready to settle down, that you want to keep your life as it was.
You either need to realize that life has different stages, and you have to adapt to them and dont try to cling on to your old life. ORif you really think you fucked up your life choices and youre still young enough to correct it, go back and try again.
But the grass may not be greener, starting over from scratch in the tinder quagmire in some british suburb. Especially if you’re like 35. You have to realistically assess your options here.
Therapy might be more expensive than Reddit but it’s probably better to look into. Reddit is not a useful service for you
your wife’s parents paid for your wedding and a house? and yet you have almost no savings after 2 years?
you’re bitter that your wife doesn’t work (after her family has gifted you like 8figures in yen)? you’re also bitter that you have to work as the non native speaker – as a male were you expecting to be the one sitting at home eating bonbons and watching kdrama while the wife did 4 hour commute every day? and you want a pat on the back all the time for speaking the country’s language
you have a UK family that you’re close to, but if you went back nobody would support you?
none of this was discussed before you jumped into marriage?
you sound miserable and you’re making your wife miserable.
man… get a divorce and go back to your country
I feel bad for your wife that she married such a loser. You seem to be incredibly selfish and have the emotional maturity of a 5 year old kid. Why don’t you work on your marriage or better yet yourself, rather than burst into tears about random shit.
You sound like a man-child, not going to lie. If you’re unhappy, have a conversation with your wife. If there is no resolution to be had, file for divorce and go back home. Why you’d write an essay on Reddit asking strangers to stroke your head and tell you it’s okay to leave your wife a few months after a miscarriage is beyond me.