Hi guys, I need some advice.
I’ve just recently moved to Japan with my Japanese wife and my 4mo daughter. I’m currently waiting for my visa so I can find a job and start working. Meanwhile I’m taking care of my daughter and getting used to the culture and learning the language.
It seems like my father in law couldn’t stand me when I’m staying at home instead of going out for work. when I clearly said it many times that I’m waiting on the visa and still trying to adopt the new environment. This was brought up couple of times already while I’ve been here only for a month.
Since I don’t really speak Japanese, my wife is always in between us. I don’t want her to choose side or anything, but things are getting a little awkward in the house..
And yesterday they just told my wife that I shouldn’t be going out since I’m not making money. I’m just really confused about the whole situation. I understand where they are coming from but I literally just moved here a month ago, and it’s only natural that I wanted to see more about the country and possibly make some new friends.
I know it’s obvious that we should just move out but due to some requirements of the visa I can’t until I actually get approved for it.
I know i might sound like a baby but at this point I don’t know what to do.. any advice is appreciated.
Thanks for reading!
16 comments
Sounds like they suck. Hope your visa comes soon!
Put this time into Jp study and job hunting so you are ready to get away asap and as long as your wife is fine with you going out etc I wouldn’t care about the inlaws.
Appearing to work is just as important as working. What you should be doing for the family is sitting in your (running) car in front of 7-11 with your feet on the dashboard watching daytime variety TV while smoking an iqos. Put on a 10,000 yen polyester suit in the morning, and do this from 9-5. Do it each day (including Saturdays) and everyone will feel more comfortable.
Sorry for the unhelpful response.
They don’t want their neighbors see you at home not working because that’s a blot on the family, and they aren’t comfortable seeing you going out and enjoying yourself while not having a job because that would make you look like you’re enjoying not working rather than being mortified about it.
If I were you, I’d have this very discussion with your wife first. How does she really feel? What’s her read on what her folks are saying? What does she think you should do?
You just need to look like you are doing work.
They don’t understand visa, administrative issues etc.
You need to be up early in the morning, get dressed like you’re going to look for work. And if you’re in the city, I’d go out like this in a mood “I’m going to look around for work”. And then do whatever the fuck you wanted to do in the first place.
You have a lot of salaryman looking people in arcade in shibuya at 9am because of that.
I don’t know your story so can’t help in details, but moving out asap of the inlaws seems a natural solution. And since you don’t speak japanese you will have to rely on your wife working as it’s not as easy as it seems when you can’t communicate with people.
Definitely a cultural/Japan societal thing. Not all families are like this, my in laws are super chill. Like others have said maybe just look like you’re working. Tell the father/mother in law you have an interview or two and go out for the day. Or go shopping for business clothes. It doesn’t have to be true. Maybe tone down going out to just once a weekend or so. It sucks but if you want good relationships with the in laws you do have to appease them a little. Japan will still be here, climate change isn’t that bad yet. There’s honestly not much you can do until you get a visa, hopefully your wife is also clear on your position.
My in-laws hate me too but… This phenomenon is not a Japanese specific thing; it seems to be universal.
As a stereotype, Japanese families tend to be more like a business with everyone playing a set role. Once a woman has a child, she is a “mother”. The “father” plays the role of earning money.
There is true love in a lot of Japanese marriages, but the in-laws only see you for what your role is in the marriage. To go out and earn money.
You might have to go out every day “preparing for your job”. Any superficial act that makes it look like you are providing would be fine. The appearance that you are playing your set role is more important than actually doing it.
Try to be as diplomatic and accommodating as possible and then get out of there as soon as possible.
When I first came to Japan and met my first girlfriend’s parents, I was confused as all they wanted to talk about was my salary and future earning potential. They weren’t even interested in what I was like as a person. It’s just the way things are done here.
“Just recently moved to Japan with my Japanese wife” and “I’m current waiting for my visa”
Don’t you get the spouse visa BEfORE coming to Japan? You get the resident card when you arrive at the airport.
All these people saying to go fake going to a job interview in suit every morning like a Seinfeld sketch.
If you start faking to impress your father in-law/in-laws, when will it ever stop?
Next will be *”your salary isn’t good enough, you’re job isn’t good enough, you’re putting on extra weight you gotta work out more, the kindergarten your daughter isn’t good enough, why doesn’t your daughter speak enough Japanese yet…”* etc.
Seriously… if you don’t put your foot down and show them you’re a man, it’ll totally continue like that.
One more thing – DO NOT LIVE WITH YOUR IN-LAWS unless absolutely necessary.
You’re already just beginning to find out why that is.
Are you sure that they don’t like you? I’m just saying this because if you’re from the western culture, there is a massive barrier with body language and socialising in general. I would first try to find out if this is all happening in your mind or if they really do have an issue. Also, as others have said, talk it through with your wife. I’m from the UK and I was always used to people smiling, laughing, shaking hands, hugging, and talking to anyone but when I came to Japan and realised it’s out of the ordinary to do just about any of those things I started to realise that it’s a culture thing. The general culture, language, and social barrier between you could be making all these thoughts spin in your head but it’s better to let it out and talk to your wife or use a pocket talk to translate what you wannna say to her parents
Just want to echo some other points here that this might be more of a universal thing rather than specific to Japan… When I lost my job a few years ago while working in a small company, my Japanese in-laws were luckily more understanding about my situation even though I opted to put off searching for jobs for a couple of months and instead prepare for CFA. Pressure and judging from being jobless came from my own parents who were more unhappy about my situation than me (“you need to go out there and find a job, any job, to care for your family!”)
Move out. That’s probably the best thing you can do, financials permitting.
Your in-laws sound like a stereotypical Japanese family where the man is the head of the household, and the wife is an obedient house-wife.
Your wife should do a better job explaining the situation, but your father-in-law is probably a dick so it’s questionable whether or not he’ll listen to a woman.
How did you enter the country without a visa?
Almost the same situation, she (wife’s mom) keep asking my wife why I don’t have a job or work yet, they kinda argued about it. In fact she doesn’t like any of her ex either. But that’s about it.
We will always be outsider to them until we show that we are worthy.
Show your worth or contribution. Chores man, CHORES. Don’t be a man that think you don’t need to. If you’re staying at their house, that they paid and paying for, and you’re staying most of the time alone doing not much or nothing. Do some laundry, wash dishes, clean the floor. Help them, especially your wife. Anything that reduce their workloads, help them relax. Help with dinner, offer help with anything you can. Laundry does include your clothes and you do walk around the house with oily feet.
Make them feel lucky to have you in their house, don’t just stay there and make them think you’re a burden. The visa adapting thing will not be relevant anymore.
Chores are the only reason why mama-in-law didn’t kick me out. I think she kinda like me but be tsudere about it. She bought me a bunch of stuff to eat while they’re working, etc.
tldr; Do the chores and make them love you.