Cutural expectations for sex, dating and relationships mismatch more often one way than the other. There are plenty of married foreign women from Asia here.
There are twice more J-husband/Foreigner-wife couples overall. I think you specifically mean “white” foreigner?
Women in general are pickier about dating than men, so dating for women in general is “harder” than it is for men.
This isn’t to say you should lower your standards so much as it’s to say that, when you already have a smaller dating pool as a foreigner (since you can only date people that want to date foreigners) any further criteria that further restricts your dating pool will make it smaller still, which you’ll be competing with not only other foreign women for their affection but Japanese women as well. It’s a lot like people who want to say, work in the film industry. There’s lots of jobs in the film industry, but not many slots for leading roll in a AAA film. If you only want a leading roll in a AAA film and turn down all other rolls you won’t see many opportunities come your way unless you are Tom Cruise or someone else who can manage to do that. Most people aren’t Tom Cruise so they have to take the roll of guard #5 in “Giant Space Shark vs Zombie Octopus” if they want work but don’t have the resume for it.
Men are generally less picky when it comes to their partners and so they have a larger pool to choose from.
I don’t think that’s the case for everyone. I never had any issues with dating. But I will say I was very social before getting married. Like I was hanging out with people 5-6 times a week. So being around people that much makes dating kinda easy mode.
But I have noticed in international couples, it is usually the women who speaks both languages well. That leads me to believe it might be difficult it the woman doesn’t speak Japanese?
I dunno, I have some of the “disadvantages” that you’d expect to make dating difficult, but still managed to get happily married (and had my fair share of long term boyfriends before meeting my now husband).
But I also have a cheerful personality, speak very good Japanese, and am pretty dependent / capable of doing things on my own. These are all qualities that I know my husband appreciates in me, and the first two especially helped me get dates often enough
edit to add: the point being that, I don’t think being a XYZ automatically means dating is hard, nor can I really generalize a topic with so many variables to give you a simple yes/no + reason style answer
Because we don’t want to play second mommy to all the grown ass little boys whose non-working mommies failed to teach them basic household chores growing up. There are of course decent Japanese men too, just a lot of shitty ones who think women are supposed to clean up after them.
1. As some people have mentioned, there is a higher number of foreign white men engaging in relationships in Japan than there are women. 1. This does not apply to all nationalities, there are 3 foreign women per every 1 foreign man married to a Japanese national. 2. The woman is expected to be more passive and submissive, meaning that she is also expected to “adjust” in the relationship to whatever the man offers. 1. This may change after marriage, but for dating I think it makes it hard for foreign women. 3. I think that expectations may also work against you when talking about work and getting married in the future. 1. There is still a huge chunk of men expecting you to quit your job, do the house chores and take care of the kids, that can create friction for more independent women.
All and all, usually people talk about how bad things are because it makes them feel better or they may be looking for comfort, creating the “illusion” that they represent the great majority. I have no data for that but it is always good to keep an eye out for such cognitive biases.
Anything less than a long term relationship is much easier for women than for men.
It’s universal and nothing to do with Japan: in general, men want casual relationships and women want long-term relationships. So it’s “supply and demand”, easier for men to get long term relationships and easier for women to get casual ones.
In general, white dudes find Asian women dead sexy. More than white women find Asian dudes attractive.
Second, simply physics. Petite Asian women fit nicely with even average or slightly below average height western men. But there is less height difference between Asian men and white women. For a lot of women, this is a deal breaker- they are unwilling to date a man the same height or shorter than they are. Not to mention the weight thing…
Third, a cultural thing. By Japanese standards, western (especially American) women are kinda mouthy. Always talking, blurting out their opinion etc. Nothing wrong with this, but not very attractive generally to your typical Japanese guy. OTOH, western guys often appreciate the relative reticence and co-operation of typical Japanese girls.
It can be extremely easier for young white men to find a partner in Asia. On average, white men may appear more masculine than the average East Asian men, which can be appealing to some local Asian women.
White women may face challenges similar to those experienced by Japanese women and men when it comes to finding a partner.
It’s not too hard for white women to find a partner in Asia. It’s just too easy for white lads to find multiple partners in Asia. Non-white people, as well as local Japanese men and women, may face challenges in finding a partner.
If I don’t sugarcoat it, white men generally tend to be less concerned about their partners’ careers, whereas white women and Japanese women and men tend to place more importance on them. White men often engage in more casual dating compared to white women. So, if you act as casually as they do, you may find what’s commonly referred to as a partner.
This topic gets really interesting (and depressing) when you watch street interviews with Japanese and foreign residents. All foreigners regardless of gender are often treated more as temporary “experiences” than potential partners. On top of that baseline disadvantage, women get treated worse due to Japan’s ingrained misogyny and other factors that have already been mentioned in the comments.
It’s also interesting seeing the reverse of this with Japanese people doing street interviews abroad.
The candid reality seems to be that white American women often possess characteristics which most Japanese men may find unappealing—such as assertiveness, an unwillingness to tolerate disrespect, and a propensity for self-prioritization. While these attributes are certainly not absent in every Japanese women, they appear more frequently among those who have spent time in Western countries. On the other hand, there exists a particular group of men, irrespective of ethnicity imo, who are drawn to the perceived absence of these traits in Japanese women and thus flock into this country. This dynamic contributes significantly to the scenario you describe, which is very real in my opinion.
I’d say it has to do with strict gender role expectations here in Japan.
In Japan women are expected to be subservient and do the house chores so men are raised expecting women to be like that. Foreign women, specially from western countries, are usually not conforming to these expectations and so they are a lot more intimidating for Japanese men.
*These expectations are changing a bit so don’t burn me at the stake for stating them*
*Also, please take into consideration that I am talking very broadly here so, take it with a huge grain of salt. Just some very basic sociological and anthropological analysis*
Japanese women often have an impression that foreign men are romantically chivalrous, or at least more so than Japanese men. Japanese women tend to like the idea of chivalry. Japanese men often have an impression that foreign women are brash and outspoken. Japanese men generally prefer otherwise. A lot of those stereotypes probably come from U.S. movie/TV influence.
Your question assumes the gaijin is seeking a Japanese partner.
As a “white” woman, you are outnumbered by “white” men in Japan probably 4 to 1. If you’re not hellbent on dating someone Japanese because you want a Japanese partner, you have a massive amount of choice.
Everyone has their preferences, of course, but they may be limiting you.
I think the international marriage statics is something like Chinese women with Japanese men is #1 and Filipina women with Japanese men is #2 so I don’t think it’s that Japanese men have an aversion to foreign women, so maybe it’s the other way around.
Just guess: Lots of Japanese women want to leave Japan by marrying foreign men, pretty much like foreign men want to live in Japan by marrying Japanese women?
Because what men are looking for are generally different than women
Most of the white women I’ve spoken to aren’t into Japanese guys because they are “too feminine”.
Most of the Japanese guys I’ve spoken to would like to “try” a foreign girl, but they prefer the “slim” Japanese girls in the long run.
A lot of people in this thread are conflating “Western” with “white” lol. That’s all.
I’m a white woman and never had issues getting dates here. I could go to a bar or club on any given night, and Japanese men and foreign men alike would try to buy me drinks, get my number, get in my pants, whatever. But I’m not overweight, my face is kind of cute, and I used to dress pretty slutty, so that’s probably why.
It has been hard to find quality guys to have a committed relationship with, but I think that would be true anywhere. I’m married to a Japanese man now, but he’s not a “typical” Japanese man. I think western ladies need to find an open minded J-guy, or have more traditional beliefs themselves, for it to work.
I’m going to be blunt here
Asian men’s view on women:
* Western women: value more freedom, thus will chose herself over family. Larger body size, petit cute ones are harder to find. * Asian women: value family more, thus will “take care” of him and his children well. Petit cute ones are everywhere.
Western women view on men:
* Western men: strong, independent, will make you his center and take care of you. * Asian men: small, no muscle, value his side of family too much, you’re secondary.
No match.
I’m a white woman and never had trouble dating either. I think dating is easy! It’s living here as a married woman with kids which I have found more difficult 😂
I’m not Japanese but I’m from another Asian country. I met my wife in Japan. She is a tall blonde woman with blue eyes from America. Before I met my wife, I also dated other western girls here. I have some thoughts on this.
My wife is 5’11(181cm). That alone probably is already a no-no for many men here. She’s a also former athlete and like many other western women here, she is strong, confident, assertive and straightforward. I love her for these traits but those can be intimidating for men who grow up in a culture still very much patriarchy and prefer women just be kawaii do house work and not much else. I recall my Japanese friend told me in Japan society favors men, children and women in that order. That’s quite accurate from my own experience.
I don’t know if it’s factual that Japanese women who dates foreigners generally prefer white men over other ethnic groups but it certainly feels that way. I know many of my white friends are attracted to Japanese girls and vice versa.
To be very honest, now that I’ve lived in the US long enough, I think had I met my wife in the US instead, I would have had very little chance. Not that I’m selling myself short, there are just a lot more eligible candidates for western women to chose from in their home countries while in Japan there weren’t many. I’m glad that was the case though it worked out perfectly for me.
It’s pretty obvious. Western men in general love japanese women whereas western women don’t like japanese men.
Japanese women like white men. Japanese men don’t particularly like white women.
27 comments
Cutural expectations for sex, dating and relationships mismatch more often one way than the other. There are plenty of married foreign women from Asia here.
There are twice more J-husband/Foreigner-wife couples overall. I think you specifically mean “white” foreigner?
Women in general are pickier about dating than men, so dating for women in general is “harder” than it is for men.
This isn’t to say you should lower your standards so much as it’s to say that, when you already have a smaller dating pool as a foreigner (since you can only date people that want to date foreigners) any further criteria that further restricts your dating pool will make it smaller still, which you’ll be competing with not only other foreign women for their affection but Japanese women as well. It’s a lot like people who want to say, work in the film industry. There’s lots of jobs in the film industry, but not many slots for leading roll in a AAA film. If you only want a leading roll in a AAA film and turn down all other rolls you won’t see many opportunities come your way unless you are Tom Cruise or someone else who can manage to do that. Most people aren’t Tom Cruise so they have to take the roll of guard #5 in “Giant Space Shark vs Zombie Octopus” if they want work but don’t have the resume for it.
Men are generally less picky when it comes to their partners and so they have a larger pool to choose from.
I don’t think that’s the case for everyone. I never had any issues with dating. But I will say I was very social before getting married. Like I was hanging out with people 5-6 times a week. So being around people that much makes dating kinda easy mode.
But I have noticed in international couples, it is usually the women who speaks both languages well. That leads me to believe it might be difficult it the woman doesn’t speak Japanese?
https://images.app.goo.gl/KZPwZpkEiPvU4rRm9
I dunno, I have some of the “disadvantages” that you’d expect to make dating difficult, but still managed to get happily married (and had my fair share of long term boyfriends before meeting my now husband).
But I also have a cheerful personality, speak very good Japanese, and am pretty dependent / capable of doing things on my own. These are all qualities that I know my husband appreciates in me, and the first two especially helped me get dates often enough
edit to add: the point being that, I don’t think being a XYZ automatically means dating is hard, nor can I really generalize a topic with so many variables to give you a simple yes/no + reason style answer
Because we don’t want to play second mommy to all the grown ass little boys whose non-working mommies failed to teach them basic household chores growing up. There are of course decent Japanese men too, just a lot of shitty ones who think women are supposed to clean up after them.
1. As some people have mentioned, there is a higher number of foreign white men engaging in relationships in Japan than there are women.
1. This does not apply to all nationalities, there are 3 foreign women per every 1 foreign man married to a Japanese national.
2. The woman is expected to be more passive and submissive, meaning that she is also expected to “adjust” in the relationship to whatever the man offers.
1. This may change after marriage, but for dating I think it makes it hard for foreign women.
3. I think that expectations may also work against you when talking about work and getting married in the future.
1. There is still a huge chunk of men expecting you to quit your job, do the house chores and take care of the kids, that can create friction for more independent women.
All and all, usually people talk about how bad things are because it makes them feel better or they may be looking for comfort, creating the “illusion” that they represent the great majority. I have no data for that but it is always good to keep an eye out for such cognitive biases.
Anything less than a long term relationship is much easier for women than for men.
It’s universal and nothing to do with Japan: in general, men want casual relationships and women want long-term relationships. So it’s “supply and demand”, easier for men to get long term relationships and easier for women to get casual ones.
In general, white dudes find Asian women dead sexy. More than white women find Asian dudes attractive.
Second, simply physics. Petite Asian women fit nicely with even average or slightly below average height western men. But there is less height difference between Asian men and white women. For a lot of women, this is a deal breaker- they are unwilling to date a man the same height or shorter than they are. Not to mention the weight thing…
Third, a cultural thing. By Japanese standards, western (especially American) women are kinda mouthy. Always talking, blurting out their opinion etc. Nothing wrong with this, but not very attractive generally to your typical Japanese guy. OTOH, western guys often appreciate the relative reticence and co-operation of typical Japanese girls.
It can be extremely easier for young white men to find a partner in Asia.
On average, white men may appear more masculine than the average East Asian men, which can be appealing to some local Asian women.
White women may face challenges similar to those experienced by Japanese women and men when it comes to finding a partner.
It’s not too hard for white women to find a partner in Asia. It’s just too easy for white lads to find multiple partners in Asia.
Non-white people, as well as local Japanese men and women, may face challenges in finding a partner.
If I don’t sugarcoat it, white men generally tend to be less concerned about their partners’ careers, whereas white women and Japanese women and men tend to place more importance on them. White men often engage in more casual dating compared to white women. So, if you act as casually as they do, you may find what’s commonly referred to as a partner.
This topic gets really interesting (and depressing) when you watch street interviews with Japanese and foreign residents. All foreigners regardless of gender are often treated more as temporary “experiences” than potential partners. On top of that baseline disadvantage, women get treated worse due to Japan’s ingrained misogyny and other factors that have already been mentioned in the comments.
It’s also interesting seeing the reverse of this with Japanese people doing street interviews abroad.
The candid reality seems to be that white American women often possess characteristics which most Japanese men may find unappealing—such as assertiveness, an unwillingness to tolerate disrespect, and a propensity for self-prioritization. While these attributes are certainly not absent in every Japanese women, they appear more frequently among those who have spent time in Western countries. On the other hand, there exists a particular group of men, irrespective of ethnicity imo, who are drawn to the perceived absence of these traits in Japanese women and thus flock into this country. This dynamic contributes significantly to the scenario you describe, which is very real in my opinion.
I’d say it has to do with strict gender role expectations here in Japan.
In Japan women are expected to be subservient and do the house chores so men are raised expecting women to be like that. Foreign women, specially from western countries, are usually not conforming to these expectations and so they are a lot more intimidating for Japanese men.
*These expectations are changing a bit so don’t burn me at the stake for stating them*
*Also, please take into consideration that I am talking very broadly here so, take it with a huge grain of salt. Just some very basic sociological and anthropological analysis*
Japanese women often have an impression that foreign men are romantically chivalrous, or at least more so than Japanese men. Japanese women tend to like the idea of chivalry. Japanese men often have an impression that foreign women are brash and outspoken. Japanese men generally prefer otherwise. A lot of those stereotypes probably come from U.S. movie/TV influence.
Your question assumes the gaijin is seeking a Japanese partner.
As a “white” woman, you are outnumbered by “white” men in Japan probably 4 to 1. If you’re not hellbent on dating someone Japanese because you want a Japanese partner, you have a massive amount of choice.
Everyone has their preferences, of course, but they may be limiting you.
I think the international marriage statics is something like Chinese women with Japanese men is #1 and Filipina women with Japanese men is #2 so I don’t think it’s that Japanese men have an aversion to foreign women, so maybe it’s the other way around.
Just guess: Lots of Japanese women want to leave Japan by marrying foreign men, pretty much like foreign men want to live in Japan by marrying Japanese women?
Because what men are looking for are generally different than women
Most of the white women I’ve spoken to aren’t into Japanese guys because they are “too feminine”.
Most of the Japanese guys I’ve spoken to would like to “try” a foreign girl, but they prefer the “slim” Japanese girls in the long run.
A lot of people in this thread are conflating “Western” with “white” lol. That’s all.
I’m a white woman and never had issues getting dates here. I could go to a bar or club on any given night, and Japanese men and foreign men alike would try to buy me drinks, get my number, get in my pants, whatever. But I’m not overweight, my face is kind of cute, and I used to dress pretty slutty, so that’s probably why.
It has been hard to find quality guys to have a committed relationship with, but I think that would be true anywhere. I’m married to a Japanese man now, but he’s not a “typical” Japanese man. I think western ladies need to find an open minded J-guy, or have more traditional beliefs themselves, for it to work.
I’m going to be blunt here
Asian men’s view on women:
* Western women: value more freedom, thus will chose herself over family. Larger body size, petit cute ones are harder to find.
* Asian women: value family more, thus will “take care” of him and his children well. Petit cute ones are everywhere.
Western women view on men:
* Western men: strong, independent, will make you his center and take care of you.
* Asian men: small, no muscle, value his side of family too much, you’re secondary.
No match.
I’m a white woman and never had trouble dating either. I think dating is easy! It’s living here as a married woman with kids which I have found more difficult 😂
I’m not Japanese but I’m from another Asian country. I met my wife in Japan. She is a tall blonde woman with blue eyes from America. Before I met my wife, I also dated other western girls here. I have some thoughts on this.
My wife is 5’11(181cm). That alone probably is already a no-no for many men here. She’s a also former athlete and like many other western women here, she is strong, confident, assertive and straightforward. I love her for these traits but those can be intimidating for men who grow up in a culture still very much patriarchy and prefer women just be kawaii do house work and not much else. I recall my Japanese friend told me in Japan society favors men, children and women in that order. That’s quite accurate from my own experience.
I don’t know if it’s factual that Japanese women who dates foreigners generally prefer white men over other ethnic groups but it certainly feels that way. I know many of my white friends are attracted to Japanese girls and vice versa.
To be very honest, now that I’ve lived in the US long enough, I think had I met my wife in the US instead, I would have had very little chance. Not that I’m selling myself short, there are just a lot more eligible candidates for western women to chose from in their home countries while in Japan there weren’t many. I’m glad that was the case though it worked out perfectly for me.
It’s pretty obvious. Western men in general love japanese women whereas western women don’t like japanese men.
Japanese women like white men. Japanese men don’t particularly like white women.