Our Japanese counter part recently transferred a Japanese lady in her 30s who speaks good English to help my team with communication. Through our interactions with her, she often came cross as cold and sometimes even a little bit arrogant. Still I know my team really needs her help and I tried to build a good relationship with her with every opportunity I get.
Last week a few folks from my team were being rotated back to the US and we had a Nomikai with a large group. The lady happened to be seated next to me. I started some casual conversations with her and tried to build some rapport and hear some of her honne. I showed her my wife and kids Halloween pictures and shared some funny stories s when they visited Japan this summer. She started to open up a little bit and shared some of her personal experiences. I thought we had some good conversations. At one point her boss, a Japanese man in late 50s, came over to our table and put his arm around my shoulder cracked a few jokes with us and told me that she’s still single and I should help her to find a boyfriend. Jokingly I pointed to one of my team members who was sitting at another table and told her boss and her that xxx is single. xxx – the guy I was pointing to is a Hispanic American fyi.
I couldn’t believe what I heard next. The lady turned around, looked at xxx, turned back and said in English “I only date Caucasians.”
For a moment I thought she was joking and then realized she wasn’t. I think I had my mouth wide open for a few seconds. I didn’t know what to respond and I just laughed awkwardly and said Ohhh OK. xxx was too far away to hear our conversation otherwise it’s be even more awkward. I changed the topic and started to talk about something else.
Add this one to the list of bizarre experiences through my years in Japan.
40 comments
Points for honesty I guess? Haha. She is allowed to have preferences. I’ve been here for 6 and half years. I feel if Japanese girls are interested in Gaijin it’s either Korean men or White men. It’s pretty rare to see anyone else. I’m sure it can happen so there is at least some hope for guys not listed as the main two.
Why do you find it bizarre ?
Normal response. Perhaps blunt but what can you do about someone’s preferences.
Is it really that abnormal to be attracted to a specific group of people? How many posters on this board came to Japan because they’re attracted t Japanese women? People often find certain physical features attractive, and sometimes those features are most common with specific people groups.
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That being said, there’s a meme here that girls who look like Pocahontas date white guys. If you search about it in Japanese you can find some very humorous posts on Japanese sites.
She has a preference. Just like a lot of guys living in Asia want to date Asians. Me, I love redheads.
And yeah, there are Japanese women who will only date white guys, or only date black guys. Or only date Korean guys. Or only date Japanese guys. I don’t think it’s a problem to have a preference in your partner.
Now, if she’s just straight-up racist that’s a very different thing.
https://preview.redd.it/s8yik3uubyyb1.jpeg?width=485&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=74b61ecc13d1c3713011b99797143530f2dc76d3
Unpopular opinion but having a racial preference is creepy af and at least borderline racist. It’s wild to me that even the boss didn’t respond. I can’t imagine dropping something like that in front of my friends, let alone boss and coworker LOL
The people in here saying “that’s just her preference what’s the problem” — what if you were out with your friends from your native country and suggested to a single person someone across the room, and they replied “I only date white men.” Of course it’s fine to have preferences and most people do, but it sounds racist to point it out like that. She didn’t have to say that and I think she knows it, she just wanted to be edgy or some shit. It is gross and would not fly at all where I come from. Tbh I think that someone who is chosen to be a cultural link on a team because of their English ability should pay closer attention to cultural norms of English speakers. Let’s be real folks.
What makes it weird is the fact she says “only”.
That suggests race is a dealbreaker to her, which frankly further suggests to me that she has some weird mentally ingrained racial/racist views.
Like I have my preferences but I would never count out every single person that doesn’t fit the bill lol (speaking from experience I have found some people very attractive belonging to an ethnicity where I find like 90% of the people of that gender not my type), and I would say that goes for most normal people.
But xxx did not hear her, right? Then he was not hurt or annoyed by her words.
In fact, she might have said it just because she did not want to talk about BF any more. She just wanted to end your pressure for BF.
I know I could have said something like that if someone pressured me to have GF (I’m a guy) because I’m not so much interested in it.
I never dug girls who only dated white guys/foreigners in the first place. I want them to like me for me, not for my skin color or an escape route or to have “cute (half)kids” as I have heard women say lol
Savage 😂😂
I hope she finds a nice white man who fetishizes her back. Reciprocity ❤️
IMO she’s just got preferences, and not much tact. It’s also impolite to bring up intimate relationships in the office 🤷♂️. So she could’ve been saying that to shut down the conversation further. However, I am one of those “white” (red haired) guys who prefer Asians as my significant other. Hence, why I married a Japanese woman from Tokyo. I don’t think she did / said anything wrong and is not racist. It’s just her preference. Much like many of y’all in here, some don’t care what “race” a person is. Some do, who cares? Mind your business and your own life. As we said it in the south back home in ‘Murica “you mind your business, I’ll mind mine. “ no need to blow it out of proportion. Not saying the OP is suggesting she’s racists. I think it’s ok for you to be surprised at what she said, but in all reality it’s not that surprising. Go around and ask different people what their preferences are and you’ll find out quick. It’s not racist to have preferences, but it is racists to go out of your way to be hateful, disrespectful, and mean towards certain groups of folks. My 2 cents.
As a fellow (yellow) Asian woman I can say that the situation differs depending on how she’s saying it and her reasons for it. We’re not there with you so it’s honestly hard to judge.
I personally think her comment is super weird, having preferences is one thing but to say that out loud?? Yikes! Plus it’s also super rude to the Hispanic coworker – considering the history Hispanic Americans have. Of course that’s only my opinion.
I studied international studies in a JPese uni – so I have met my fair share of Pocahontas who would only go for non yellow guys. One of them did say something about how she hates East Asian men and the way they act toward women as conditioned by the toxic male oriented education and environment they grew up with – which makes a lot of sense really.
I only go for guys with same skin color as myself since I want a partner with culture at least similar to my own. But never Vietnamese since I am Vietnamese and I know how toxic most Vnese men are and how much they get away with things.
Some Japanese I have met have definitely said something like “Oh I would love to date a white guy! Aren’t half white babies the cutest” which to us would outright sounds very tone deaf and give us a very bad image of the person. Race is a very complicated and sensitive matter – especially if you’re from multicultural states like the US for example. But for most countries with racial homogeneity like Japan or my own, it’s more black and white I believe – either you date someone who’re like you or you don’t. Those in between are rare.
I would say, as long as her comment doesn’t affect you and the company, try not to mind it too much. (I would definitely gossip about her to my friends outside the company tho, sorrynotsorry)
Political correctness isn’t nearly as much of a thing in Asia. If I heard that from an Asian coworker, I wouldn’t bat an eye either.
I’ve heard this from many girls. Hell, I even dated a few.
Some girls even told me the only date foreigners cause they have bigger dicks (which isn’t even the case all the time).
>At one point her boss, a Japanese man in late 50s, came over to our table and put his arm around my shoulder cracked a few jokes with us and told me that she’s still single and I should help her to find a boyfriend. Jokingly I pointed to one of my team members who was sitting at another table and told her boss and her that xxx is single.
So, no one’s gonna point out how unpleasant it is to be dragged into this kind of situation?
Ew
I mean maybe her English isn’t as good and she didn’t mean to sound that rude/direct. I know my wife who is Chinese sounds way more polite in Chinese than English, where she sometimes sound too bossy to strangers.
And here, between my good for nothing French father and stepfather, having be attacked in the UK for being French and sexually harassed in Germany for exactly the same reason, well I have decided to only date Japanese people too.
I don’t see how it is a problem.
Why is this bizarre to you? I have heard pretty much all variations of this from men and women about their dating preferences.
If anything, you could say OP is out of line pointing out a team member and making a joke about them getting together.
First off good job on building relationships at work! It’s definitely an element a lot of folks have issue with and it’s always glad to see someone having that enduring skill at any work site.
Secondly it’s pretty common for japanese to be stand offish as we all know and a lot of them in my experience are very particular about their dating preferences. A lot of japanese women will straight up say they only see themselves with either a japanese man or a white guy. It’s just their cultural preferences. Don’t think too harshly of them.
Also appreciate your fellow foreigners who don’t have the real privilege thing as being a white guy in Japan have right now. It’s hard for them and supporting them is a great thing that will one day break down racial barriers in this world. I’ve known plenty of African men and other ethnicities struggle to be accepted in the dating circuit around here.
Shes just another self hating white worshipping asian female. Thats beyond racist, its self race hate. Notice women of other races dont do this nearly as much as asian women.
I’m so sick of shit like this, you can’t have a preference anymore. You absolutely have to be attracted to everyone all the time 😰 she said it bluntly and maybe a bit off , but it’s Japan I’ve heard the same from women about various ethnicities.
Not being open to dating someone just because of their race is generally seen as unfair and offensive. And considering she was brought up in Japan, which isn’t exactly known for being super inclusive, it might give some context to her mindset.
maybe she said that coz she really wants a boyfriend and wants you to introduce her to single guys with her preference
hmmm
in the back of my head maybe its not a race thing but you know japanese do look at skin color they do like light colored skin not just for others but also for themselves as it is the beauty standard ?
good for her.
and you have no problem with boss at all?
weak dude.
well she must had a lot of time with foreigners to be able to say the truth or a stuff that will close stupid conversations that women on their 30s never want to have. I’m proud of her in both ways.
What is wrong being just attracted to a certain type?
If a black person sais he/she just dates black people nobody would say a thing.
lol get over yourself, you are not in America an it’s completely acceptable to have a physical / type of preference for dating. It doesn’t have anything to do with racism.
By the way, everybody does have a preference, it’s only now with America’s wokeism that Americans somehow dread someone expressing it.
No need to export your bullshit politics and woke views abroad, tbh. America is a country that is struggling so much not to be racist to the point of deleting their past and changing their language, but at the same time it’s so weirdly obsessed with races and bloodline. Nobody even thinks much about something like what happened to you, she just expressed a damn preference.
If you don’t like it, you can always go back to America the free 🙂
I don’t think other countries get as triggered as people in the west do about this kind of thing.
The reality is some people only are attracted to some other kinds of people – that doesn’t instantly make them a racists so why should t people be able to say it out loud?
I think Western countries led by the US influence and extra voice minorities have are far too touchy on this
I bet she was ugly
I only date women. Guess that makes me sexist
Everyone here saying that race preferences is weird. But that women from a country where there is no much racial diversity (same as me). So thinking only about dating your own race is pretty normal. When, I as a child, ask my mom would she date a black person she said no way.
I’m sorry but both you and your boss are totally in the wrong.
Your boss has no right to talk about your coworkers private life or her single mother status.
And shame on you for going along with his conversation and even having the audacity to point out a coworker as a candidate to date.
I understand why she is cold and pissed. I wouldn’t want to work at your company.
I think her boss broadcasting she is single was worse and more awkward.
I’m Latino and don’t feel offended by her comment in any way. She doesn’t like Latinos, big deal. For example, I wouldn’t date white women.
I also work for a Japanese company and had a Japanese coworker that actually preferred Latinos, because she loved the accent. I was already married so she used to ask me to introduce her to my friends or young male relatives 🤣.
They are just preferences.
What I find odd about this situation is that you think it’s okay to “jokingly” say that someone is single and actually point to them. You caused this situation.
What she said is completely normal. It’s a preference, albeit a strict one. Nonetheless, it is her preference. You don’t know her thought process in that moment, so I suggest you leave it at that and don’t think too much about it. If you truly think she wanted your help, you can try to set her up with a white friend you may have who you think is it a good match, but honestly, I would disregard the entire interaction and not mettle in her affair.
What is the problem ? It is wrong to choose who you want to date based on your preferences ? Have you no choice but to take the first single person someone introduce you to ?
Was your mouth open when your boss pointed out she still didn’t have a boyfriend? What if she said she only dates women? Preferences are personal, and she shared hers with you. You were trying to get her to open up