Hello everyone,
I need a bit of a pep talk to move things forward.
I’ve been married for four years and things have been going downhill for the last 18 months. I’m not good at dealing with dead ends. Nobody is, for sure, but I’m particularly bad at this. I started therapy during this time as my mental health was struggling, and my therapist thinks I’m stuck in a “freeze” loop instead of a “fight/flight” one. I’m slowly making progress, which is why I’m here.
I’m not looking for legal advice. I’ve been in touch with my embassy regarding the whole potential divorce thing and I know where I stand regarding my own legal situation. Also, there are no kids involved.
I would only like to hear your stories, or the stories of people you know, who took care of things, left, and had no regrets doing it. I need a bit of positivity right now, or a swift kick in the butt region – think football/soccer coach screaming at his players at half time. I’m standing in front of an intersection and one way is leading to an empty road. I need your help and support doing this first step.
Thank you.
18 comments
Fear not OP, it seems you can get out of this one quite easily, especially since there are no kids. Just finalize the divorce and be on your way. It’s better than dealing with the environment and to be honest, you’re very likely to get a nice sense of calmness after.
It might be painful at first, but once you start speaking to new people you’ll quickly get over the whole situation. You’ll be all OK my dude.
First step: arrange a temp place to stay. If you need a month or two, try a sakurahouse or whatever it’s called. A sharehouse.
Second step: Finalize the divorce as soon as possible
Third step: Pack up and head back home, or find a new home here in Japan. If you want to go back home, ask relatives if you can temporarily crash there to get your life back on track.
Edit 2: After the divorce, avoid contact with your ex-partner at all times. Just don’t do it to yourself. Block and meet new people.
You chose to move on from this pitiful state of mind, that’s a bold progress. You will suffer for a while, but in the next years you will thank yourself for taking this risky and big step to your life. Do not look back, keep your mind busy with people and things you love and are happy to be with. Set up things for your next project, do not let these negative emotions or memories delay you any further. As the saying goes: “when one door closes a new one opens.”
Be strong, and take care of yourself.
I take it it’s you that wants to initiate the divorce and move back to the UK?
But feel bad about doing so, even though your gut tells you it’s the right thing to do?
Dude I was you about 26 years ago. 25 years old divorcing with one kid. I thought it was embarrassing, shameful and sad that I couldn’t keep the family intact for my son.
Due to my job I did not have the opportunity to quit Japan and unless I wanted to abandon or steal my son, I couldn’t just leave and had to accept the fact I would always be tied to X.
I lost 30 pounds in 1 month as I didn’t eat and survived on Snapple juice and antacids.
I even contemplated ending it all as there seemed to be no end in site and I was drained and tired.
But I pushed through it all to be a stabilizing part of my sons life. Day by day, week by week I did just a little bit better. I had my setbacks but they started to become less and less.
I worked on myself and what needed to change and how I could become a better person and partner in the future.
It took a few years but I finally came out the end, into a better life.my life is so much more amazing then I could ever have imagined back then.
Work on yourself and find the things that make you happy. See a therapist and it will really help you. Trust me it’s hard as fuck right now but one day life will be better.
My ex is twice divorced living alone and has a shitty relationship with our son. Karma will come along and even the score.
Take a risk. There is always a million opportunities to pick up a new dysfunctional relationship if you’re terrified of being alone, shitty relationships are on offer everywhere. There is only one pathway to a relationship with yourself.
Dude, I got divorced from my Japanese wife about 5 years ago. Now I drive a convertible, have more whisky bottles than I can count, smoke cigars whenever and wherever the fuck I want, play poker with my friends until 4AM, and date girls half my age. Life on the other side is great.
Im. It sure what to tell you other than I hope you’ll look back at this sometime in the future and laugh. Is the other person ok with the divorce? I have a feeling they couldn’t care any less if you leave or go and that’s why you’re feeling this way.
Im. It sure what to tell you other than I hope you’ll look back at this sometime in the future and laugh. Is the other person ok with the divorce? I have a feeling they couldn’t care any less if you leave or go and that’s why you’re feeling this way.
Im. It sure what to tell you other than I hope you’ll look back at this sometime in the future and laugh. Is the other person ok with the divorce? I have a feeling they couldn’t care any less if you leave or go and that’s why you’re feeling this way.
I am not in your situation but I have always been rather neurotic and always feeling anxious about everything, and I can tell you that:
a. Every problem eventually stops feeling that important, you just need to get through it and give time to your system to focus on something else.
b. Having a mid-long term goal helps you get through the rough times.
Specially I would try to focus on B, as in “what would I like to be in X years” or “now that this is over, what sort of other chances can I take in life”. The human behavior is triggered by motivation (specially intrinsic one) and for that you need intrinsic goals to look forward to and orient your life towards.
Life is too short and we will eventually die, so might as well try to make the most of it by doing something we want. The first step is to figure that what “that” is.
If you are interested in these lines of thought, look up Jordan Peterson’s old lectures on motivation on YouTube.
Good luck and hang in there!
Get angry!
I’m sure your therapist has already talked about this, but there’s a time and place for anger, and it can be a very useful emotion in overcoming inertia and fear.
Now I’m not talking about that explosive throwing stuff and punching people anger, but rather that slow-burning anger that builds up and when you get to the point where you’re stuck at the door trying to decide to walk out you can just fan it a little and get a nice warming blaze going so you walk out feeling nice and pissed off.
Because as an Aussie friend of mine used to say, “Being pissed off is better than being pissed on.” (unless you’re into that – no kink shaming here! 😛 )
My first wife (Japanese) cheated on me when she was studying in Canada while I stayed in Japan to work. It took me about 6months and a lot of pleading to come around to the fact it was over. Actually, I was watching the Notebook movie and lots of things clicked for me so I got emotional. Started crying so hard I basically had an out of body experience and heard myself crying in the third person ( if the even makes any sense). The sound was so pathetic I started laughing at myself, and decided then and there that anyone who could make me cry so hard does not deserve to be my wife.
Ended it a couple months later and have never looked back. Living my best life now with my second wife and our two kids. Couldn’t be happier!
Good luck! There is light at the end of the tunnel.
Lol are you me? I’m going through this situation but haven’t quite reached the divorce line yet. She’s definitely threatened it though, if I don’t get on track.
Idk how to do it. I feel like if I do divorce I’ll have to leave and go back to America. But if I do that then I might not be able to get back to where I’m at now. Not to mention the ridiculous cost of living if you want to get a good job in a major city in the US. With how weak the yen is here I’ll probably go back with next to nothing. Certainly not enough to make a major move.
I’ve suggested me getting therapy but she doesn’t see how it will help me. Then there is the money issue. She’d be pissed to know that my parents paid for it when they haven’t been sending money to us while we were struggling the past several months. Meanwhile, we’ve gotten a bunch of help from her family in the form of money and food.
I see a path forward here with her but don’t know how to reach it. OP, you can DM if you want to commiserate.
I’m not trying to be a dick, but if you searched this sub you’d have enough material around impending divorces to keep you busy until your next one.
Well first of all, I do think some people are more prone to “freeze” as you mentioned; so it is good you are working on that if you feel it is an issue. However you don’t necessarily have to leave immediately unless there’s a visa issue, might be good to take time (within a schedule) to adjust. Not sure how your personal living situation is but just throwing it out there. It’s definitely a big plus there’s no kids involved. You will be fine OP!
I had a friend (Japanese) who married another friend (American). They only knew each other for 3 months before they got married. They were FAR from perfect for each other and got into constant arguments and fights.
In 2019, I left to live abroad. When I came back to the states in 2020 (after covid became crazy) she was still married but they had separated physically. Apparently he kind of went on a stalking spree and got in the face of other men she was getting close with despite them agreeing for divorce. When she finally brought it up to him that they need to stop dancing around the paperwork, he refused to help her file since she had to file in America and not Japan (and she couldn’t fully read the legal documents since it uses legal terms). She felt frozen and couldn’t get out. So, that fall upon my return, I sat her down and I translated the documents and helped her with all the filing, calling, and scheduling. When it came time to serve papers, we tricked him into giving his address he moved to out of state so I could help her hire a certified process server. The first hearing was scheduled a month and a half later, and he refused to show. On the second retrial order, he once again didn’t show, and she won. She didn’t want anything but for the divorce (no money, split items, etc). This process took from fall of 2020 to summer of 2021. She had been stuck in this marriage for almost 4 to 5 years, and had fell out of love half way through. Now, she is happily remarried, having adventures with her new, loving husband in Japan. Hang in there my friend. This journey is going to get better as long as you keep moving forward!
This subreddit makes me want to avoid dating Japanese women haha
A mostly positive divorce-related thread on r/japanlife! Maybe peace on earth really is possible