I know this seems like a random place to post this, but I wondered if any other people here have grieved in isolation in Japan, and what you did.
A colleague who I have known for over a decade suddenly passed in an accident the other day. While it wasn’t like we were going out drinking together or the best of friends, he was a truly good man, outstanding at his job, and a friendly face. We talked whenever we had the opportunity and I’m going to miss him dearly. Sadly I’m being sent across the country on work in a few days so I more or less have to speedrun the grieving process.
The problem is I don’t have any friends or family in Japan. I really just want something I can do alone right now that may help me feel marginally better, but I’m kind of numb and nothing comes to mind.
Please no self-destructive suggestions like alcohol or pachinko.
13 comments
My condolences. Loneliness and sad news is never a good cocktail. Hope you get someone to talk to.
I’m sorry for your loss, this sounds tough and the sudden nature all the more difficult for you. Have you tried TELL japan? I have not but people seem to recommend them when someone needs support. Take all the time you need and look after yourself.
I’m sorry for your loss.
Ultimately, grief is a very lonely process, since we all navigate that night-dark landscape in our own very individual ways.
I’ve been a lay practitioner and student of *Shinto* for many years now. What often helps *me* is to take my unquiet thoughts to my favorite shrine.
This may or may not be suitable, depending on your personal philosophy.
I’m also a poet, so I have those particular tools to re-frame and examine troubles and sorrows.
Again, these are my *personal* instruments for navigating life’s tempests. They may or may not be suitable to the process of others.
Try writing your colleague a letter. Put everything left unsaid on paper, then burn and scatter the ashes. A symbolic cremation. An ablution in smoke.
I’m sorry for your loss. It must have been hard given it happened so suddenly. I had exactly this happen while I was on a work trip (my boss rang first thing in the morning to break the news), and it was tough not having anyone to talk to about the deceased, or understand why I felt so blue. I took advantage of being in a new place and went on walks, just tuning out my brain and looking at the unfamiliar scenery. I hope you can find some local attractions to take your mind off things, or try just taking a long, contemplative walk if that’s also your thing.
I am sorry for your loss. A dear family friend passed away last week. I am also without many friends here and his funeral is happening in the States.
I find that seeking nature is a soothing release. Going on a mountain hike, visiting the seaside, admiring a national park. Puts things in perspective. I spent the last two days in Kawaguchiko, visiting the museums and shrines and caves. People were so kind and the world seemed quite beautiful.
Good luck and take it easy.
If I were in your shoes I’d do something new that I’d never done before. Maybe something challenging that you could do to honour him. Perhaps learn a new skill, or go somewhere or do something.
That way you’ll always have something big and meaningful connected to his memory.
Over the years in Japan, I’ve not been able to attend the funerals of friends and loved ones back home. No one around me knew these people I’d lost, so the ways of grieving I was accustomed to weren’t available, much like a lot of things in a life abroad.
I did find solace in time spent alone in the grandeur of Japan’s nature. I found it incredibly comforting. I also took local trips and had a really good meal, and tried to be fully present in those moments.
I hope you can grieve your friend well. My condolences.
Death happens. Grieve as much as you need. Also, take this as an opportunity to reflect on mortality. It won’t make it easier for the next passing, whether family, friend, rando or enemy, but knowing that death will be an inevitable recurring event in life should hopefully help guide you toward better decisions, greater compassion and more nuanced meditation on human nature, including joys, frustrations and the day to day grind we call life.
Take care of yourself and try to show your love and life clearly to those you walk with however long or brief.
Only time will help you.
Take your time, don’t be hard on yourself and remember the good times.
I can’t say that I’ve had anything as bad was what you seem to be in, but I’ve found hiking to help clear my head and refreshing. I like the nature so that helps.
Back when I was teaching junior high school, one day I went in and immediately the vibe in the air was just different. One of my English teachers pulled me aside to explain – yesterday one of the students had been killed in a traffic accident. It wasn’t like I was super friendly with the boy, but I had been in his classes and interacted with him. The news was shocking, of course.
Morning classes were cancelled, and there was a huge assembly in the gym. The principal talked about what happened and urged the students to be careful when coming and going to school (the boy was on his bicycle, and hit by a car going through an intersection). The mood was extremely heavy and solemn. Teachers and students alike were crying. A group of girls who were in his same class had collapsed on the floor, formed a circle, and were sobbing and hugging each other. It was…I don’t have a good word to describe it, actually.
I was at my desk in the afternoon when my English teacher comes over. “Hey, ready for class? Let’s play your specialty game.” *…What?* I wasn’t really expecting any classes at all. When I was in high school one of my classmates had accidentally killed himself, and the following day we all just kinda sleepwalked through the day. We went to our periods but teachers didn’t actually teach, and people were free to leave if they wanted to. So to go to class…and to play a game?! What’s worse, it was that boy’s class. I said okay, and prepped myself for what I thought would be the most agonizing class I’d ever teach.
…Except, it wasn’t. By afternoon things had gone to normal. The kids were all normal, and got into the game we played and enjoyed it. The girls who’d formed the grief circle were also laughing and playing along. During a lull in the game, the Japanese teacher probably sensed my confusion, dropped back, and said to me – “Their smiling faces are much nicer than their crying ones, don’t you think?” I asked if it was okay for people to already have gone back to normal so quickly. She said – we grieved him in the morning. But it was time to move on. The boy wouldn’t have wanted them crying over his death all day. The best way to honor him would be to keep on living life. …It’s hard to argue against that. My teacher was right – their smiling faces were a lot better.
That day has always stuck with me. I don’t know if sharing this story helps, but I know it did change the way I approach these things.
Sorry for your loss man. If one of my buddies died, I’d climb a mountain in their honor, but that’s just me. We’ve climbed a few over the past few years. There’s no right answer to this kind of life event.
Hiking, or going on a long walk/bike ride is a great idea. Hope you feel better