Sending my daughter to the US for the summers: Problems?

35 comments

1. When I was a kid this is what I used to be good in school for so my parents didn’t send me away like this lol. I think it’d be really scary for her and super disruptive, camp in a country she’s never been to with people she hardly knows ?

2. I’m a stranger and I’m close to being blindsided by such a suggestion. My list of potential negatives would be very long starting with how can you be sure she’s always in safe hands?

3. I wanted to do this with my daughter, but it didn’t work out because of the difference between academic calendars.

   Fortunately, in high school and uni, she developed an interest in visiting her grandparents, and has visited them for 2-3 weeks on her own almost every spring.

   Not saying that’s a good plan or will work for you, but it seems to have worked out for us.

4. Reading your post, a few things popped up to me as red flags:

   Your #3 should already be addressed before coming to Reddit. All we know is that your wife is Japanese. Japanese people are not a monolith hivemind. Strangers on the internet are not going to be able to give you anything better than general advice that may or may not apply to your situation. If you have been able to date, marry, and have a child with this person it is honestly a little bit alarming that you still approach conversations like this not considering the person she is, which you would know more about than anyone here, but just that “she is Japanese” as if there is a one stop solution because of where she was born.

   That aside, I don’t have a kid but if I did I would be nervous to send them abroad for such a long period considering how unexpected things have been the last few years. If you had sent her back in 2020 for example, you may have had a much harder time getting her back to you in Japan and there would have been no way to predict that could have been an issue. I’m not saying that there is anything in particular to be worried about at the moment, simply that with Covid, increasing pockets of military conflict popping up, and hell even the earthquake yesterday there is a lot that can happen over a summer period that can make it really unfortunate to have your daughter that far away from you.

5. I don’t have specific advice but I wonder about how you’re approaching this with your wife… this post reads like you’re approaching this from a very adversarial perspective; like you’re preparing for an argument you are determined to win. That’s not going to go over well with anyone, regardless of how iron-clad you think your arguments are.

   You say you want ‘all the information’ gathered before even speaking to your wife about this, but why not simply talk to her about it first, and admit that although there’s a lot of research to be done about how feasible it is, you’d like to get her feelings about it first and perhaps look in to it together, as a team? You yourself admit that there are logistical challenges that may make this impractical, so instead of blindsiding her with a plan and counterarguments for everything you can think of, you might get a better response by simply raising the idea and seeing how she reacts, and taking it from there.

6. Maybe suggest taking trips together with your wife and daughter for 2-3 weeks at first. When you get into a routine of this, and your daughter is a bit older and more independent, it might make sense to take the step of suggesting she stay in the US for a bit longer after you go home.

7. Why not start to go together with her and stay as long as you can permit jobwise. You can extend it from there every year as she gets older and has the desire to go on her own. At the age of five I wouldn’t send her on her own! Also this isn’t something you can decide now for the next 6 years but you have to adjust with the interests and needs of your kid, obviously.

   Regarding school curriculum, summer holidays are about 6 weeks. As you probably know, school terms don’t stop and start with the summer break. So they pretty much start immediately in September where they paused in July. Plus there is a a lot of homework during summer! It is doable but to be absent for more than the holidays would be quite stressful, even in the lower grades.

8. In theory, it’s a great idea! Especially if one of you can take her over and spend a week, and the other can spend a week and bring her back.

   Three weeks in old Hokkaido was feasible, but I think summer vacay is going up to six weeks. She’ll have to do summer homework while she’s away, but if one of you accompanies her, that parent can supervise.

   I spent about three weeks in the States every other year with my girls. We travelled & saw relatives and friends, and saw sights, sometimes with those people. South Dakota was great! And the Staten Island Ferry!

   If you designate the budget for this, it’ll pay off in better English skills. My eldest attended a private high school tuition -free because she was able to pass a certain level of Eiken in jr. high.

   I can see this working until JHS 2. After summer break in JHS 3, my kids went into study mode for the high school exams.

   Btw, try to make it back for Christmas at least one year. In lower elementary, you often have more wiggle room to take off two weeks of school (cheap airfare) for the educational op.

   Plus, isn’t a trip home cheaper than the Disney English series? And so much richer and motivational!

9. Why do you have to jump straight to the nuclear option of shipping your kid off to America every summer? I feel like a more reasonable take would be to

   a) The next summer holiday, visit for 2 weeks with your child and stay with her grandparents

   b) See whether your child likes it nor not – and then consider whether you want to make it a longer trip the following summer

10. Before COVID we did this with my daughter with me going over for three weeks with her while she was in a day camp and I worked (remote even then). It was really good for her to spend time with her cousins and her English did improve immensely (spoken at least).

    The Japanese school system varies depending on public/private and such but there are usually 6-8 weeks in the summer where your daughter could go to the US. I wouldn’t try and push two months, and would try a 2-5 weeks max.

    Social is an issue, especially once she starts other extracurricular activities. Let’s say she starts ballet outside of school, then she is missing weeks of lessons with the other kids and falling behind potentially. A lot would depend on you kid and what she likes/does. Soccer teams can have games/tournaments in the summer, same with baseball.

    My wife loved the idea because she is also bilingual and lived about 6 years in the US (5 with me). The logic we used was that speaking and understanding English would benefit our daughter and open her up to more possibilities down the road in life and learning it immersive in the US would be a good way to go, though I was there also for emergencies and we did daily Facetime with my wife. We would continue doing it now if not for my daughter’s competitive extracurricular activities she is part of now.

    EDIT: If you are going the private route for Junior High School there are some schools that do English only exams for entrance as well, though they aren’t exactly easy exams for that age and are probably more for returnees/native speakers.

11. I have friends that have done this. Quite similar concerns – wanted their kids to be more bicultural. Once they are in school, they should not miss many days at all. Japanese schools make a big deal about attendance. So that will limit them to about 6 weeks from July 21st or so, to whenever school starts back up in your district, around the end of August. I didn’t do this with my sons but considered it. One issue was that all the nieces and nephews in the US in my family were older. They definitely could and did hang out for visits but longer term, it wouldn’t have made sense. Therefore, while my sons are bilingual, they are much more Japanese in the way they view the world, etc. Covid-related travel issues certainly didn’t help. By the way, we have Japanese friends that sent their kids to New Zealand almost every summer to stay with host families and experience school life there since they were fairly young. They seem quite internationalized, and want to continue studying overseas as they are now at high school and university age. I worked hard to raise my sons bilingually but it does get increasingly difficult as they get older: school, soccer and juku was all in Japanese. Assuming you won’t go the international school route and you are in Japan long-term, I hope your wife will appreciate this idea as a fantastic opportunity that will stand your children in good stead for the rest of their lives by getting to know your family, culture and language up close.

12. I remember your other post. I don’t have much detailed info but I had one constructive thought.

    1. As your wife was feeling burdened with the childcare stuff, approach it from that angle.

    2. Do NOT propose a lifetime of every summer going. First there are logistic issues you don’t even have the answers to (and reddit probably won’t either, as it probably depends on your child and their interests). Instead start with an extended family trip to your parents. You, your wife, your child, 2-4 weeks. Your kid needs to get to know her grandparents before she will feel comfortable going solo. Don’t worry about summer camp yet, you need basic buy-in from your kid and too much new stuff may be overwhelming, which gives wife ammunition for protective instincts.

    3. When there, hopefully show your wife that your parents are able to take care of child. Go out for date nights, and pull your weight and then some so that your wife leaves thinking it was a great and relaxing trip. (This will be hard to accomplish as she will probably feel she is a burden and a lot of social pressure to contribute. Ideally get your parents on board to communicate to her expectations and their sincere desire not to overexert herself. It won’t mean much coming from you, they need to tell her themselves, or just take the kid to park or library by themselves so she has the home to herself at times.

    After 6-9 months, you can mention your parents wanted to see kid again. But with flight prices/work/burden you were tentatively thinking of having her go herself, then taking one of the 2-3 weeks to go on a trip with just your wife in Japan (parent only vacation).

    If you rush it, it’s only going to cause conflict because there’s too much uncertainty on all sides.

    If you can’t take 2-4 weeks off work during summer, just abandon the plan. It won’t happen and likely just end in shattering relationships. Your wife will almost definitely not allow her 5-6 year old to go to America alone without having seen how great it is for her first hand.

    Lastly, if you want to, discuss it from a place of emotion NOT solution. Basically you already came up to a solution to an emotional need, but you did it all by yourself. That’s not really ideal for a relationship.

    Instead start with the emotion, and let her brainstorm potential solutions too. First, she might come to the same idea. Second, she might come up with a better idea that you didn’t think of. Third, it at least tells her the context of what you were thinking about, so she can see where you were coming from.

    My ideal version of this goes like:

    Can we chat sometime when you’re free? I wanted to share something and get your advice, but it’s not urgent or critical. Maybe 20-30 minutes?

    (Later). So I know we had some conflict about family time recently and I wanted to thank you again for finding solutions with me that work for everyone.

    Recently it got me thinking about my parents. They won’t be around forever and I realized she hasn’t really had a chance to connect with them. Part of this is a practical reality as we live 3000 km apart with a x-hour time difference… But I was hoping we could talk and brainstorm ideas for any ways to help her really get to know them.

    But this whole idea only works if you guys have basic trust in each other. Does she trust that you are trying to work toward a common goal? Or is trust so broken that she assumes the words coming out of your mouth are basically tricks to get some selfish goal accomplished? If her guard is always up, there’s no way you can solve it as partners and at best you wear her down.

    If trust isn’t there, you need to repair that first. Start by having a conversation about what your family goals are, what you both consider or define as success for your daughter, and also what you each want to do as individuals before your time on this earth is over (e.g. trip to Antarctica).

    You then need to find what you both have in common, and how your collective efforts can achieve those goals. Focus on rebuilding trust and save this summer trip stuff for later (though you can still talk about your emotions without looking for solutions).

13. Schedule wise you can get away with sending her for the month of August without it interfering with her Elementary School term in Japan. BUT bear in mind that kids get summer holiday homework here which she’ll have to do and I doubt your parents will be able to help with that so she’d need at least one parent to help keep on top of that. Two months away every year is going to screw her education here up quite a bit in contrast and create massive headaches for her and you and I would not advise it.

    About point 3, the best way to approach it with your wife would NOT be to present this as such a radical proposal (every summer in the US with your parents), rather you should start with something much much more modest and less disruptive. Being the mom of an Elementary school kid here is a massive undertaking which she is probably already stressing over, introducing an idea like this to her right now is likely to get you significant blowback (like do you want to make your wife literally explode?). Wanting your kid to spend more time in your culture with your family is understandable, wanting to radically upend her upbringing like that is way less so.

    Also, I have two kids being raised here and while I’d like them to spend more time in my home country, the thought of separating them from our home and family for a lengthy period like that isn’t something either of us would be remotely comfortable with even if they were going to stay with family. Something like you are proposing isn’t an option for us (my parents are just too old to handle them) but even if it were I wouldn’t do it. The only time we are ever apart is when I have to go on business trips, and neither kid has ever been away from both of us like that. I realize not every family is like that but at that age its likely to be extremely stressful for your kid even if she likes your parents.

14. I grew up mostly in the US, but went back to Japan for 2-3 months every summer. I literally didn’t do anything productive and simply just watched a lot of Japanese television and spent a lot of time with my grandma and aunts. Because of this, I’m fluent in Japanese to this day. So surrounding her with English will definitely be helpful.

    With that being said, I was always with my mom when in Japan. I don’t think I would have felt comfortable without her especially in the early years. Not because my relatives are bad or anything, it’s just gets lonely without mom or dad when you’re a little kid.

    Anyways, it may be beneficial to make sure your daughter can somewhat read and write English before you send her over. Is she taking any English classes now?

15. I remember your last posts – remember how well things worked out when you just TALKED TO YOUR WIFE!

    It is so frustrating in a relationship when someone has everything figured out when they come talk to you about big subjects. It takes a discussion and turns it into a debate with one side just steamrolling the other. It also usually means that the side brining the subject up (you in this case) are less flexible and open to other options because they don’t fit within the pre-prepared script.

    Not saying that you shouldn’t think about it beforehand…but please, get off Reddit and talk to your wife.

16. Regarding your concerns about social issues, I personally see this as a GOOD thing and not a negative one. Exposing your child to her culture (because she IS half American, after all) and the way kids in America live and interact can only be a net positive. Summers for kids in the U.S., as you know, are fun and relaxed. You can let her be a kid and be around other kids who, as they age, don’t feel the pressures of school clubs at such young ages.

    Your kid is already facing an uphill battle being half. Letting her go somewhere where she’ll be treated normally won’t be detrimental to her development. In fact, I find that Japanese people (half or not) who spend considerable time overseas to be very well-rounded, socially considerate, forward-thinking, and more interesting overall. It’s an asset, not a hindrance — so don’t even approach it with that mindset!!

    You should talk to your wife before the internet, though.

17. So you didn’t suggest this as an idea but skipped straight to the planning phase without your wife and daughter? Why the hurry?

    Plus what an odd way to describe your wife lol. She’s Japanese. And? You have a kid with her and can’t predict how she would react to this kind of conversation? 🤨I think you’d how she’s react, it strikes me as ick that you’re going into this like it’s already a plan and seeking input from strangers like you’re about to present argument points. That alone sounds super annoying if I had a partner planning such a major decision. Like how would any of us would know what she thinks? Talk to her from the beginning?

    And also what would your daughter want? Why not wait until she’s of age to decide what she wants for herself in 1-2 years? 🤨Matter of fact why not also ask her? There are ways you can broach the topic with a kid and getting them used to the idea first

18. Children don’t like be separated from their parents at a young age so they might grow up to resent your actions if they’re not 100% on board with it.

19. I did this as a kid in summer. I have wonderful memories. I was in the same country though. Spent time with my cousins and stayed with my grandparents. Usually a month.

20. As a child who did summer camp within my own state at my grandparents, I’d probably say that maybe more than a week is a bit long for a 5 year old to do camp AND be with grandparents, as everything that is familiar and comforting to them is stripped away, and if they panic there is no way you can come get them to help out, nor is there anyone who will be there that they are comfortable with.

    Family trips for a couple weeks, maybe have the grandparents visit you in Japan. You can’t force relationships to exist just because you want them to, and kids can be real asshats. Just because she is around the same age as her cousin, does not mean they will like eachother or get along enough at first for a multi day experience.

    Honestly, you or your wife should be there with her. There are several kids in my rural area that come from the United States with their mother to stay with their grandparents every year, and the local school enrolls them for the month they are here. Not sure you’ll get the same response from the US schools, but their mother is with them and does a side job during school, they get to spend time in Japan and learn the language / culture. It realllllly depends on how connected to the community your grandparents are.

    But 5 years old is way too young for this kinda thing alone. Summer camps generally don’t accept kids before 7 or 8 at the minimum for that kind of thing. Depends on the kid and the situation, but you probably shouldn’t pull the rug completely from their lives.

21. The main concern I imagine will be falling behind with her studies, particularly Japanese. Let’s say she’s spends a year in the US but comes back and is behind all her peers? Once kids fall behind it’s really hard to catch up due to the nature of the Japanese education system. She will also be labelled as a ‘returnee’ rather than as a regular Japanese kid for the rest of her life in school.

22. Maybe it’s because I am a homo, therefore I don’t feel the pressure of needing to get married and have kids, but I can’t imagine marrying someone who I can’t talk openly with and present any “half-baked” idea where we talk about and decide together. Is it not exausting to feel like you need a 15 slide powerpoint complete with data, statistics and first-hand experiences just to make a suggestion or say what’s on your mind?

    I can see wanting more info about the experience, but not about how to to talk to your Japanese Wife^(TM) as if every Japanese woman is the same. And you coming to reddit first like you guys are gonna have a debate that you NEED to win, and you need to make sure you have info to discredit her Japanese Ideas^(TM) .

    Just talk to her? I think regardless, she is gonna want time to process it. You are certainly taking your time in thinking deeply about it.

    I just…

    I don’t know how y’all live like this…

23. I wanted to do this with my kids but husband (Japanese) wasn’t thrilled about the idea, so it never happened. Instead I go with the kids to visit my mom in the states for a few weeks every summer. My mom and grandma are happy and so are the kids.
    If your wife doesn’t like the idea I would say don’t argue about it because she probably is the main caregiver anyway.

24. I suggest trying it once and going from there rather than deciding now that it’s happening every summer.

25. Sorry if my post was unclear. To clarify, my aim is to be well-informed so we can have a more productive conversation. It’s a big topic, especially since it’s the first time I’m proposing such a significant change in our daughter’s upbringing.

    My wife is more than just my partner; she’s my best friend. We talk about everything, and I value her thoughts and feelings immensely. I absolutely adore her and cherish our time together. That’s partly why I’m cautious about this discussion. I want to make sure I approach it in a way that doesn’t upset her or make her feel overwhelmed.

    I know Reddit has its limitations, and not every perspective here will apply directly to our situation. My plan is to gather different viewpoints, filter through them, and use what seems most relevant and helpful

    Thanks everyone for your insight. I’ll make sure to keep the conversation with my wife open, honest, and non-confrontational. Cuz it’s important to me that we navigate this together, as partners and best friends.

26. 1) I can’t speak to the flexibility of the school system. It depends on where you are, I think. In a small village, the school was more flexible than in city. But also my daughter was not yet in grade school. For a five year old though, even if it is only one summer, and can’t keep up every summer, I think it is doable and great idea. In terms of flexibility, the school does not really have a choice. I don’t think they can kick her out…

    1) Social: Lots of different people have different lifestyles. She will just grow up knowing that hers is different than others. Some kids are army brats, some go between mom and dad’s houses for joint custody, some are home schooled, etc. I don’t think (especially at that age) that most kids would have social issues. They don’t know what “normal” is. She does not have to have the same type of upbringing that you or your wife did to be socially well adjusted.

    When she is into Junior High age, then she will probably care more about that as she will have closer friends and maybe romantic interests. But that is a loooonnngg way away and you have plenty of time to adjust for that.

    3. I would have all your ducks in a row too so you can anticipate what objections she may have and have an answer. I don’t know your wife, of course, my my wife (Japanes) would have been fine with it and seen it as a great opportunity. Of course we had discussed the possibility of sending her to junior high for a year to live with my brother and her same aged cousin. That never happened, but she did spend a year at an outdoor nature boarding school in the mountains in Japan during elementary school. She liked that and made friends there and didn’t have troubles coming back to her city school the next year.

    Also, don’t present it as an “every year” thing. Try for just one year first and see how it goes. So much will change in the coming years anyway, so no way to plan it as a regular event. At most present it to your wife as taking it one-year-at-a-time.

    4. Family bonding. Of course it will be hard to be away from her for so long, but regular skype calls and seeing how she is having fun with grandparents and cousins will make you and wife happy too, and agreed that sending her to spend time wtih the US grandparents is big.

    My daughter has not seen her US family since COVID. We had everything booked before it all got shut down. Now she is in Junior HIgh, so less flexible in terms of getting a whole month off, and her grandparents are too old now to make the trip to Japan, so it has been a long time. We skype with them, but my daughter’s English is an issue now, and since she is older, she is more self conscious and her grandparents seem more like strangers than when she was young.

    As for the English, it will definatly be great for her. My daughter’s english improved by leaps and bounds when we used to go back for just a month each year (when She was younger). Now, I don’t live with her and she and her mom speak Japanese, so she does not get regular daily English at home, but she has retained the ability, it is just vocabulary that she struggles with as she is older.

    As far as tutoring, your daughter is only five now. She does not need special tutoring. If it continues into older years, you can worry about that then.

27. The best thing you can do for her is to be involved/active/participating in her life with your family, throughout the whole year.

    Read to her, with her, watch films (like disney) together and talk about them (and find the books for those same films/stories to read), play on a computer/tablet _together_, and so on.

    In short, be as involved as you can in your daughter’s life.

    Also, it’s often recommended that you act as a model for her bilingualism–that you should be learning and using japanese, and english, and by doing so you are then showing her what being bilingual is. (Just being the dad that refuses to speak anything but english is not good parental modeling.)

28. I wouldn’t want to be away from either of my girls for that long. I know my wife absolutely wouldn’t.

29. Drugs, guns , rap music, Satan, capitalism, extreme leftists, burgers / obesity, no trains, dirty conbinis, lacking 4 seasons, culture based around a wild sense of pride. 5 year old will also be useless trying to navigate society.

    Next time TL;DR us please

30. I know lots of friends that did this as kids or have sent their kids to another country for the summer, usually because of grandparents or to improve the second language. So your idea of sending your kid for the summer to the U.S. especially to their grandparents sounds totally normal to me.

    The way everyone did it was they all went as a family when the kid was super young, like an extended vacation. Or one parent would be the main caretaker and the other parent would be there the majority of the time and leave early for work. I would imagine it’s easier these days with remote work that the whole family can go together for the whole time.

    Then as the kid got older, the parents would go for some of the time, maybe take them to camp and pick them up, and the middle was with camp or grandparents. Or only one parent would go the whole time. And then as the kids got to be teens, they would just do the whole trip themselves, or the parents would drop them off and the kid would come home by themselves.

    The ones who spent a summer abroad had much stronger language skills than ones who didn’t. Makes sense since you need to use the language in an immersive setting to be good at it.

    But talk to your wife and make it a discussion.

31. Well, this is a long-term plan and a good start. It was a priority to have my children develop bonds with all their family in Japan and the US for several reasons. First, life is about relationships, well-adjusted extended family relationships provide support for minor and major challenges. Second, you don’t know what culture your daughter will choose in the future. My son loves Japan but he gets tired of being an outsider in his own country sometimes. My daughter is only 15 and wants out. She doesn’t like the expected female role in Japanese society, loves taking the lead, and plans to go to the US for university and if that fails, employment. Thank god my wife and I both helped them become perfectly bilingual through daily reading and spending a month most years in the US. They have great close relationships with their US cousins and other relatives which will serve them throughout life.

    That said, my wife and I (sometimes just me) were with my children, they were not alone. Your plan is possible but 5 is too young. You need to take this as a long-term plan. Allow your daughter to build trust in her relatives and her ability to be alone with them for periods of time. This should be done naturally and not be forced. That starts with trips to the store, the movies, a carnival, camping, a weekend, etc before leaving her alone to stay for longer periods. Plus, you need to build some serious independence and emotionally self-regulating behavior in your daughter both in Japan and while abroad if you eventually plan for her to stay there without you. Otherwise, you will find yourself making emergency trips after inevitable problems that might damage the relationship bonds you are hoping to build for your daughter and perhaps even your relationships with your relatives, your wife, and her relatives. Don’t take anything for granted.

    So, yes, summers in the US and/or other countries is a great idea. The devil is in the details. Your child has at least two cultures, it’s your and your wife’s responsibility to nuture them both – this will turn this into a great strength for her future.

32. To clarify here, you’re talking about your wife going over with your daughter during the summer? The three of you? Who will be going? Because if you’re going to try and say your daughter should go over to America alone, you’re… not thinking clearly.

    And every year, during the summer? Make sure you have a cup on when you broach this, at least if you’re planning on having any more kids in the future.

33. I grew up as a Third Culture Kid (that’s a thing.) Not only I spent almost every summer overseas, mostly with parental guidance but also in my teens I was on my own. I spent time with grandparents, aunts and uncles. I also did home-stay with people I never met. These experiences never left me.

    I would ignore the posters here being naysayers. I think having international connections and growing up with supportive relatives is great, provided you communicate with them.

    To answer your question directly, unfortunately Japanese schools are not flexible. You would have to send your kid to American international schools that operate on a different calendar. Otherwise you shouldn’t be considering that schools will extend a longer summer break just for you. In general schools are deemed important enough here in Japan; most people would center their lives around school, not the other way around. It’s almost as though you are implicitly treating schools as something that complements your life. Here schools are perceived as more significant and more authoritative which dictate people’s credentials for the rest of their lives.

34. Can you take a couple weeks off in summer and go with her and stay with your parents? It might give you a feel for how much your daughter enjoys it. Then talk with your wife about making it an annual experience for your kid. You guys can figure out how long to let her visit and if you want both, one, or neither parent with her and allow for grandma and grandpa to take over.

35. I’m commenting regarding #3 and #4.

    Does your wife have a good relationship with your parents? Like talking or messaging with them often? If they have that kind of bond MAYBE your wife would be open to the idea. In my experience, I didn’t have that kind of ‘bond’ with my husband’s mom so I felt very uncomfortable when my she was telling me they want to bring our son back to their home country for summer to make him go to school camp and also make him take extra classes. I appreciate the thought but no matter how much I respect them I just can’t let our child go. I guess it’s the lack of trust?

    I’m grateful my husband was understanding when we talked about it. Now I’m trying to build a good and strong relationship with his family so maybe someday I’d feel confident letting him go to his grandparents.

    PS. Do not I REPEAT do not tell your wife ‘our child always spends time with your parents’. That would probably cause an argument.

    Good luck OP!